I just realised I haven't posted an installment of this in a while - mea culpa. I'm actually quite far along in the sporking - I just haven't been sharing it. Time to fix that!
The next chapter goes to Jorge, one of the guys who betrayed Borneheld to follow Axis in the previous book. Other than that I don’t really have anything to remind you about; the guy is a nonentity whose name might as well be Unimportant Axis Fan #174. He’s at Jervois Landing, internally monologuing about the weather. Apparently it’s pretty damn terrible, with storms that have wiped out half the buildings in the town. The wind was so insanely cold that it literally froze people to death on the spot – apparently Jorge lost “over two thousand men in five minutes”. Again, how the hell does he or anyone else know what minutes are or how to calculate five of them passing? I checked, and the first clock that wasn’t a sundial or a water clock was invented in the 1600s. The Middle Ages officially ended in 1492, and the wristwatch wasn’t invented until the 1800s. Jorge should have absolutely no frame of reference for any of this.
And that’s not even getting into the fact that “five minutes” is not evocative. Precise numbers are never evocative. Precise numbers are for textbooks, not melodramatic fantasy novels.
Moving right along, apparently some Icarii turned into Freezy Pops as well, while flying, and the author emotionlessly informs us that “When they hit the streets their bodies were shattered into such tiny pieces they were scattered away within moments.”
Wow, way to make four horrific deaths incredibly boring to read about.
Now there’s only six thousand scattered troops left, and no-one can risk going outside or even leave their fires for a moment. As a result of that, the town has no defenses at all. …and I don’t care, because the only named character facing death here is Jorge, about whom I know absolutely nothing. The guy is about as “developed” as a roll of unused film. (Kids, ask your parents).
We then learn that – oh URGH. Oh dear sweet – I’m going to vomit, I swear.
We learn that many of the guys under Jorge’s command who now fully expect to die have started praying to Axis and Azhure. As GODS. Actual GODS.
To his credit Jorge is “sickened” by this and thinks that it’s utterly absurd that a few “military victories” should “qualify one for god-like status”. Finally someone has some goddamn common sense. He also quite justifiably wonders if Axis is behind this, insisting on being worshipped.
Random omniscient narration informs us that actually he hasn’t done anything of the sort, and would have been “confused and horrified” if he had known about it. Yeah, I don’t believe you, Omniscient Narrator. Axis loves nothing better than getting his ass kissed. Being elevated to godhood isn’t a horrifying thing in this protagonist-centered universe – it’s merely the other shoe dropping.
Oh, and they’re also starting to worship Azhure as a goddess, because of course they are.
The narrator explains that this has been going on for a while now, because apparently the stuff Axis has done is just so amazing that people think the only logical explanation is that he’s a god.
I was going to complain about this, but then I realised that in a weird way it actually makes sense. Since these poor bloody stupid NPCs aren’t aware that this is a novel, they of course have no way of knowing that Axis is a Mary Sue with author favour and plot armour. From their perspective, the “he’s a god” thing actually makes total sense, even if it does serve to highlight how preposterously overpowered the supposed heroes are.
The worship of Azhure’s “calm beauty and sure deadliness”, on the other hand, makes no sense whatsoever. No, it doesn’t help at all when the author drops an anvil by mentioning “the ancient prayers to Lady Moon”.
HINT HINT.
Apparently this is the biggest reason why Artor is freaking out. I would be. And once again I’m extremely offended by the subtext here, which is pretty much “Artor = the Christian god, Artor/God is a big loser, also evil, worship my darling characters instead”. Wow, go fuck yourself. (Again, I'm an atheist and this shit still offends me).
Moving right along (before I burst a blood vessel), we learn that Jorge volunteered to come here and now regrets it. We also learn that he’s an old guy. As in old enough that it’s really not all that believable that he’d still be capable of being on active duty – the guy is pushing 70. I did some quick googling, and apparently the average lifespan for a man in Medieval England was about 35 to 40. I’d maybe buy it if this guy wasn’t a military commander and had a more comfortable, settled life with good food and medical attention and so on – apparently in the 1500s some guys did live to be about 69 – but he’s not. He’s a soldier in the field, in horrible conditions. By the standards of his approximate time period and lifestyle, he should have retired yonks ago. Or, y’know, lost all his teeth and died.
He thinks about praying to Artor, who he’s always believed in, but then has the usual bullshit entry level athiest objection about how Artor hasn’t done anything to protect people from dying recently and is therefore “ineffectual”. Really? Because last time I checked that’s not how religious faith works, and especially not the mainstream Christian faith I grew up with, and on which Artor worship is very clearly based. Has this guy never heard the expression “God helps those who help themselves”? The point of prayer is NOT to make flocks of angels descend from on high and magically fix all your problems for free. This author clearly knows jack shit about how religion actually works, which just makes the unsubtle Christianity-bashing in this trilogy even more stupid and offensive. (And I repeat – I am an athiest. Just one who happens to be way less of an asshole about it, apparently). The more I spork, the more I get the feeling this author really was following the Marion Zimmer Bradley model, and not in a good way. (Not that I could name anything good about Mists of Avalon in the first place, mind you).
Mercifully, after this nonsense something actually starts to happen. The storm dies down and the gramatically incorrect “Gryphon” appear to begin their attack. And honestly, the author’s weird decision to use “gryphon” as both the singular and plural form of the name works against her here, because there’s supposed to be a big flock of them, but it reads as if there’s only one. Some frickin’ invasion force, amirite? They only sent the one guy!
And guess who else is here? It’s Timmy. Or as I will now be calling him, Evil Timmy. He’s riding on a gryphon of his own, and apparently because he has training as a horseman he’s had no problems whatsoever adapting to a flying mount. Yeah, not buying it. Either way he’s got his army now, just like in his visions, and he’s pretty pleased with himself. Thanks to Gorgrael he now has the ability to telepathically command the hundreds of gryphon [sic], and he sees the ruined town below and has eeevil thoughts about how great it is that people have frozen to death. You know, ordinary people with no involvement in the war. I get that you’re Gorgrael’s bitch now, Timmy, but you don’t have to be a dick about it.
It turns out that Evil Timmy also has a bunch of Skraelings at his command, and he’s got half a day to wipe everyone out. The chapter ends as he gives the order to begin, and I’m honestly wondering whether we’re going to get a stupid Deus Ex Machina to save the day for the alleged good guys, or whether the author is going to sacrifice a minor character (ie Jorge) to briefly make the bad guys look like a threat before the Sues go back to mowing them down like wheatstalks.
Given that the only named character present right now is a disposable redshirt, I’m going to go with the latter. Let’s see if I’m right!
A bunch of horsepillars (remember those?) go in, and no-one tries to attack them.
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In case you've forgotten.
Apparently Gorgrael deliberately gives all his creations big silver eyes which are also huge honking weak spots. Because Gorgrael is an idiot. But now he’s made some tweaks, and everyone has bone visors to protect their eyes, which means only “a skilled and extremely calm swordsman or archer” can get to them now.
Oh, but don’t worry, guys. That’s not going to impede Axis and Azhure in the slightest, because of course it won’t. In fact if memory serves it’s basically never going to come up again after this. Because while the author is good at coming up with dangerous monsters, she sucks at the follow-through thanks to her apparent crippling fear of letting her favoured characters fail at anything.
Cut to Jorge. He sees the enemy coming and knows they’re all going to die, so he turns to the surviving Icarii and tells their commander to get them out of here and go and tell Axis what happened.
Hey, remember how I mentioned how much this author sucks at writing tense or suspenseful scenes? Well this time she topped herself. Public service announcement – please swallow whatever you’re eating, put down any glasses of water, and make sure you’re not within earshot of someone you don’t want to wake up.
Everybody ready?
The Icarii leader’s name is RuffleCrest JoyFlight.
Yes, seriously.
RuffleCrest JoyFlight.
I repeat. RUFFLECREST JOYFLIGHT.
No joke, when I read that bit I burst into gales of hysterical laughter over the keyboard. I had to take a break and drink some water because I was laughing so hard. Hell, I’m laughing right now. BEHOLD OH YE MAGNIFICENT ANGEL OF THE SKIES – MIGHTY RUFFLECREST!
Sara Douglass, I wish you were alive right now if only so I could ask – what the hell were you thinking?!? I mean I’ve been asking that a lot largely in regards to what an utter psychopath Axis is, but what the Christ is this? RUFFLECREST? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?
Anyway, so – snrk – RuffleCrest flies off with his guys. Evil Timmy sees them escaping, and SkraeFear (remember him?) flies over and says they should go after them and rip them to shreds. But surely the magnificent RuffleCrest cannot be slain by some off-brand fantasy monsters! His mere name hath rendered him invincible – invincible, I say!
Evil Timmy, being a cardboard cutout villain now, uses his new powers to hurt SkraeFear out of sheer pointless vindictiveness, and then sends some gryphons to attack the Icarii, adding that they should let a couple of them escape.
Because, to quote Captain Jack Sparrow: “No survivors? Then where do the stories come from, I wonder?”
And apparently the gryphons “[understand] the principle of unquestioning obedience”. Which is funny, because the last time I checked cats were not interested in obeying anyone, and especially not unquestioningly, and eagles likewise. No, really. I have a friend who works with raptors. They are not interested in becoming your horse, nor do they work together as a flock.
In any case the gryphons attack, and rip the Icarii to pieces just like they did in the last book, except now we get to see it. Unfortunately the author has some weird ideas about how being mauled by an animal works, as we see one woman “literally burst apart in a shower of blood and body parts”.
Yeah, no. Not buying it. Bodies do not “burst apart” without the involvement of some sort of explosive device, or possibly Mexican food.
A gryphon grabs RuffleCrest. Nooo, not RuffleCrest! Anyone but him! Spare his life, O merciful author!
The author is indeed merciful and the gryphon doesn’t kill him – it just roughs him up a bit and then lets him go. RuffleCrest, no relation to Ruffles Chips (probably) flies off severely injured and we’re blandly informed that “he would be almost dead from exhaustion” by the time he reaches safety. This is boring, also a spoiler that he survives, and did I mention that it’s boring?
With the magnificent RuffleCrest JoyFlight safely out of the way, the Skraelings and gryphons attack Jervois Landing. We’re back with Jorge, who fights some Skraelings as they break into the building where he’s sheltering. Despite the fact that he’s, y’know, fighting for his life, his inner monologue continues with absolutely no interruption or the slightest change in style. This isn’t a fight scene at all – it’s a cutscene. And it’s boring. But then, all of Douglass’ action scenes are boring. Largely thanks to mistakes like this one.
He thinks about how even Axis will have trouble killing the skraelings now, and how their assault has been “well planned and well co-ordinated”, and wonders who taught them how to work as a proper army.
While fighting to the death against ravening monsters, may I remind you.
Hahahahah, yeah no.
Apparently Evil Timmy can read people’s minds now, because he creepily shows up behind Jorge and replies to his inner monologue. Jorge is all like “dude wtf” and then realises Evil Timmy is Evil now, with “cold cruelty” in his eyes. He melodramatically whispers the old chestnut “have you gone mad [Evil Timmy]?”, and Evil Timmy says “I have come entirely to my senses” and then stabs him in the gut. Ouch.
Jorge falls down and starts dying, and – oh, this is sickening. In his last moments he whispers Axis’ name and prays for the fuckhead to “avenge me”, and the author tells us that “At the last, Jorge had found his god”.
I repeat: Wow, go fuck yourself.
We then get a brief telepathic conversation between Evil Timmy and Gorgrael, and Gorgrael asks him if it was fun. Timmy says yes, adding that “I think I will bathe in blood tonight”.
Yes, really. Could this possibly get any more cheesy?
The chapter ends there, and now I’m going to go and throw up. (Note too that I didn’t even blink at the bathing in blood bit. Nope, it’s the Axis = GOD bit that has me spitting up bile).
*
The next chapter must be something truly special, because it’s named after my new favourite character – RuffleCrest! Apparently he “speaks” in this chapter. Ooh, this should be a day to remember! Or rather night – I just broke for dinner.
SpikeFeather – remember him? – has been promoted between books and is flying around with some of his guys when they find the legendary RuffleCrest. Apparently his torso is “streaked with crimson and green lines of infection”, and that’s not how infection works. They carry him to King Asshole – uh, I mean “the StarMan”, but I repeat myself – and watch while he uses the stupid Song of Recreation to fix the guy right up. It works and RuffleCrest is saved! Hooray!
In the next scene I get a flashback to Nasuada outside Dras-Leona, as we literally open with someone telling RuffleCrest to repeat himself. Y’know, so the audience can hear you this time. Alas, thanks to having the song used on him, RuffleCrest now has amnesia just like SpikeFeather before him. Why does the song have an amnesia side effect? Because it’s dramatically convenient, shut up.
RuffleCrest is humiliated and apologises for not remembering his message, but then right out of nowhere Axis declares that he can do the remembering for him using magic. Uh-huh. Axis puts his hands on the guy’s shoulders and starts singing “the Song of Recall”, except he sings it with “such consumate skill and power that most were left agape with astonishment”, blah blah blah Axis is Awesome. Both hands on the keyboard, author. Honestly, it’s just gotten boring by this point. A vision of what happened appears for all to see, except for the part where RuffleCrest was injured, because Axis “worked the enchantment so the birdman would not re-live the horror”.
…a courtesty he did NOT show to Azhure in the last book, by the way. So not only is this out of nowhere, but it makes Axis look like an even bigger abusive hypocrite than he already was.
With that done Axis praises Ruffles for doing a good job, then sends him away and starts talking to his cronies about what happened. Margarita gives us an obnoxiously anachronistic bit of dialogue as he refers to the “aerial views”, and Belial says the forces they saw would have been able to overtake Jervois Landing in “half an hour”, which again sounds way too modern. Axis asks how long it would’ve taken Ruffles to fly from there to here, and FarSight says two or three days with very little rest, which surprises Belial, whereupon another Icarii named HoverEye smugly says that “birdmen have deep reserves of stamina, far more than humans”, lest we forget that the Icarii are Better Than You. And particularly so whenever it suits the author. Which is most of the time.
Axis speculates about which way the enemy would have gone since then, but Margarita interrupts and asks him to replay the clip they got from Ruffles’ onboard security camera. Well that’s what he might as well be saying considering how utterly contrived this is.
Axis obligingly shows them the video again (why lie?), and Margarita points out that the Skraelings are now formed into units like a proper army with “tight discipline”, and clearly Gorgrael “has got himself a good WarLord”. Look, just cut the bullshit and say “general”, author – these stupid made-up names aren’t helping anything.
Azhure meanwhile remembers what WolfStar said about the Pointlessly Capitalised Traitor, and yet again wonders just who said Traitor is. Duuurrr.
They study the footage some more and realise that the larger bulk of the Skraeling army is heading south to a place called Aldeni, which I don’t remember or care about. Axis turns “grey with shock”, and finally declares that they’ll have to march out there. FarSight asks where to, and as per usual Axis reacts by becoming snappish and rude, saying they’re heading North. Why oh why does he have to keep being such an asshole to his supposed friends? I’ve said it before, but pointlessly antagonising people all the time is NOT good leadership.
Cut to the jackass with Azhure later on. Apparently they’ve spent some time getting the army ready, and soon Axis will be gone. Woohoo! Don’t come back! Ever! Azhure sighs dramatically and says her archers will do fine with Demi Moore as their new commander, and Axis says that she’ll have Rivkah and Griff to help her out in his absence.
Azhure has a bit of a giggle and says how weird it is that two years ago she was just some random peasant woman and now she’s being left in charge of the Kingdom. I wouldn’t call it “funny” so much as “idiotic” and “a monumentally terrible idea”, but there you go. Cue some false modesty as Axis thinks about how Azhure once thought that “she had no place at [his] side”, but is now “beyond that old concern”. Because Azhure is an arrogant, entitled little shit. She and Axis were made for each other. In Hell.
Axis now reveals that he’s been creepily reading her mind, and says she wants to tell him something. Wow, that’s not a horrible invasion of privacy or anything. Naturally Azhure just thinks about how much she’s going to miss him. You know, the guy who almost beat her to death about a week ago, and then mind-raped her. That guy. This characterisation is so bad it’s almost surreal.
Rather than letting her say what she wants to say, Axis rudely does it for her, saying she’s going to go to the Island of Mist and Memory. Why is it called that anyway? Azhure now reveals that she met with WolfStar. Which again, Axis already knows because he keeps intruding on her thoughts without her knowing it. Azhure thinks “how could she keep anything from him?”, which is supposed to be romantic but just sounds fucking creepy. She literally belongs to him now, to the point that she’s not even allowed to have privacy inside her own head, for fuck’s sake. First Axis completely disregarded her sexual autonomy by raping her, then he disrespected her bodily autonomy by using her pregnancy as a weapon against her, and now he’s disregarding her mental autonomy as well, to the point that it’s even worse than, say, reading her private diary. There is literally no way out of this relationship now. If she so much as thinks about leaving him, he’ll know. And she knows that he’ll know. And we all know how he reacted last time she talked about leaving.
How the fuck are you supposed to have the slightest jot of freedom when you’re not even allowed to keep your thoughts to yourself, even if you want to? The fact that Azhure doesn’t apparently want to leave him is irrelevant – she should have the option to either way. Everyone should have that option, in any relationship they get into. Because guess what? People change, and people have the right to choose who they associate with, no matter what the reason behind it! I’ve ended decades-long relationships because the other person changed and I didn’t wish to be friends with them any more. It’s my right as an autonomous human being to do so, as and when I choose, and I don’t owe anyone an explanation.
But nope. Axis assaulted her for denying him sex and talking about ending their relationship, and now he’s inside her head. Watching her thoughts.
That’s not romantic.
At all.
It’s sick and disgusting, and that’s all it is, and the author should be ashamed of herself for presenting this is as in any way healthy or desirable.
Sigh.
Azhure tells him that WolfStar was shocked to see her wearing the One Ring, and also that he was “aghast” that she and Axis believed he was the traitor. She adds that she thinks the traitor was the one commanding Gorgrael’s armies. Axis is surprised, and moron that he is, can’t for the life of him figure out who it could possibly be.
Oh, how about literally the only person who has deserted you EVER in the entire trilogy so far? You know, the guy with military training and a major grudge against you? That guy?
Instead, Axis just changes the subject. He says StarDrifter will want to go to the island with Azhure. Rather refreshingly, she’s annoyed by the suggestion and thinks that the last thing she needs is that guy “making a nuisance of himself”. You mean, sexually harassing you? With the creepy staring and the unwanted touching and the kissing and feeling you up against your will? What a loveable rascal he is! Teehee!
Azhure says she needs to be alone and definitely doesn’t need StarDrifter, and from the way it’s written this is clearly supposed to be her being annoyed by Axis wanting to give her some protection, big overly concerned sweetheart that he is. Axis points out that there will be a bunch of pirates, plus priestesses, plus FreeFall and EvenSong already there, so she won’t be all that alone.
We’re informed that FreeFall and EvenSong moved to the temple right after Axis and Azhure got married, because “FreeFall had become increasingly given to the mystical”, whatever the hell that means, and nobody wanted to part him from his Twu Wuv so she was given permission to go with him.
Azhure gets exasperated and thinks about how she knows that StarDrifter “still [hungers] for her, that he had never recovered from his disappointment and anger when Azhure had chosen Axis on that Beltide Night”, and has “never ceased to let Azhure know that he still wanted her.”
Aaaand that’s a rapist/stalker in a nutshell. How DARE she say no to me?? This is an affont to my very masculinity!
Believe it or not, an emotionally healthy, well-adjusted man, on being rejected by a woman (or hell, another man if he swings that way), accepts it and moves on. Sure, he’s probably going to be unhappy about it, but he understands and accepts that it’s not going to happen. Maybe she’s already in a relationship. Maybe he’s not her type. Maybe he came on too strong and scared her off. Or hell, maybe she’s just a bitch. Either way it’s not the end of the world, and it’s not a cue to “just keep trying” until she gives in. Because a real man understands that a woman is a person, not a reward, and the world does not owe him or anyone a relationship, or sex.
…in hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have decided to spork while drinking wine – it’s making me pontificate. More than usual, I mean.
No means no, StarDrifter. The fact that he reacts to rejection by getting angry is a red flag the size of the Tasman Sea. Even more so that he still hasn’t let it go nearly two years later. No I don’t care about the stupid singing SunSoar blood bullshit.
Axis tells her that actually he has a good reason to want StarDrifter there – as he himself won’t be there for the birth of the twins, StarDrifter will have to talk them through it so they and Azhure won’t die and do us all a favour. Azhure says she can handle it herself, but Axis points out that the babies don’t like her and probably wouldn’t listen.
He adds that the twins “were forced to endure what we both went through the day I broke through the block in your mind”. No mention of the violent beating that preceded it, naturally. Azhure asks why that would make them also dislike her, and Axis says it’s “Because you forgave me and because you chose to continue to love me”, and that’s why “they cannot forgive you”.
Yeah, I haven’t forgiven her either, trust me. What Axis did was unforgiveable, plain and simple, and by letting him get away with it she’s acting as an enabler.
The attempt at “romance” continues (I feel disgusting calling it that even with the sarcastic quotes), as Axis says “you know how much I love you” and Azhure answers “You do not need to tell me”. Actually, yes he does. Because so far he’s done absolutely nothing to suggest that he actually loves or even likes you, other than as a fucktoy.
Axis has a “premonition of doom”, and says the other reason he wants StarDrifter with Azhure is because he’s afraid that he’s going to be defeated by Gorgrael. Aw, we’re pretending Gorgrael is a real threat and that Axis is capable of losing again. Adorable. It’s like watching a toddler take a few wobbly steps and then fall on his bottom.
Azhure is “horrified”, and Axis goes on about how weak his supah powahs are against the Skraelings. Except that he routinely slaughters them by the truckload without using any magic at all, a fact the author is conveniently ignoring. He adds that his followers – including Belial and Margarita and Demi Moore, his supposed friends – will die “just as quickly as Jorge did”. Then why the fuck are you leading them to their deaths, Axis? Sure, the Skraelings are marching on your kingdom, but if you’re that sure you’re going to lose, surely you can come up with a better strategy than “suicide mission”. But nope. Some brilliant commander this guy is.
Things take a turn for the truly disgusting, as Axis says that if something happens to him, Azhure should hook up with StarDrifter. Yes, really. He says, and I quote, “He loves you, you are both SunSoar so you will be happy together, and he will be a good father to my children.”
StarDrifter? A good father? The guy who openly plotted to fuck his own unborn granddaughter? Are you HIGH?
And yes, we seriously did just see a guy tell his wife to go and hook up with her own father in law if he dies.
Azhure reacts to this by “striking his chest with a clenched fist (that’s called punching, author), trying to twist out of his hands”, “But Axis was far stronger, and he held her firmly”. Oh look, he’s forcibly restraining his girlfriend again. Lovely.
Then Azhure has a good cry, “Not because Axis had planned for the future should he die (…by telling you to hook up with his FATHER, the sexual predator), but because of the defeat she heard in his voice. Axis expected to die!”
Axis hugs her in the moonlight, and it’s all very dramatic. And once again we’re supposed to think something bad might actually happen to the asshole. If only.
The chapter ends there, and the only real compensation for all the horrible bullshit I just had to wade through is knowing that in the next chapter something bad happens to the Sentinels. YES! …uh, I mean that’s terrible, cough. But that will have to wait until next time.
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The next chapter goes to Jorge, one of the guys who betrayed Borneheld to follow Axis in the previous book. Other than that I don’t really have anything to remind you about; the guy is a nonentity whose name might as well be Unimportant Axis Fan #174. He’s at Jervois Landing, internally monologuing about the weather. Apparently it’s pretty damn terrible, with storms that have wiped out half the buildings in the town. The wind was so insanely cold that it literally froze people to death on the spot – apparently Jorge lost “over two thousand men in five minutes”. Again, how the hell does he or anyone else know what minutes are or how to calculate five of them passing? I checked, and the first clock that wasn’t a sundial or a water clock was invented in the 1600s. The Middle Ages officially ended in 1492, and the wristwatch wasn’t invented until the 1800s. Jorge should have absolutely no frame of reference for any of this.
And that’s not even getting into the fact that “five minutes” is not evocative. Precise numbers are never evocative. Precise numbers are for textbooks, not melodramatic fantasy novels.
Moving right along, apparently some Icarii turned into Freezy Pops as well, while flying, and the author emotionlessly informs us that “When they hit the streets their bodies were shattered into such tiny pieces they were scattered away within moments.”
Wow, way to make four horrific deaths incredibly boring to read about.
Now there’s only six thousand scattered troops left, and no-one can risk going outside or even leave their fires for a moment. As a result of that, the town has no defenses at all. …and I don’t care, because the only named character facing death here is Jorge, about whom I know absolutely nothing. The guy is about as “developed” as a roll of unused film. (Kids, ask your parents).
We then learn that – oh URGH. Oh dear sweet – I’m going to vomit, I swear.
We learn that many of the guys under Jorge’s command who now fully expect to die have started praying to Axis and Azhure. As GODS. Actual GODS.
To his credit Jorge is “sickened” by this and thinks that it’s utterly absurd that a few “military victories” should “qualify one for god-like status”. Finally someone has some goddamn common sense. He also quite justifiably wonders if Axis is behind this, insisting on being worshipped.
Random omniscient narration informs us that actually he hasn’t done anything of the sort, and would have been “confused and horrified” if he had known about it. Yeah, I don’t believe you, Omniscient Narrator. Axis loves nothing better than getting his ass kissed. Being elevated to godhood isn’t a horrifying thing in this protagonist-centered universe – it’s merely the other shoe dropping.
Oh, and they’re also starting to worship Azhure as a goddess, because of course they are.
The narrator explains that this has been going on for a while now, because apparently the stuff Axis has done is just so amazing that people think the only logical explanation is that he’s a god.
I was going to complain about this, but then I realised that in a weird way it actually makes sense. Since these poor bloody stupid NPCs aren’t aware that this is a novel, they of course have no way of knowing that Axis is a Mary Sue with author favour and plot armour. From their perspective, the “he’s a god” thing actually makes total sense, even if it does serve to highlight how preposterously overpowered the supposed heroes are.
The worship of Azhure’s “calm beauty and sure deadliness”, on the other hand, makes no sense whatsoever. No, it doesn’t help at all when the author drops an anvil by mentioning “the ancient prayers to Lady Moon”.
HINT HINT.
Apparently this is the biggest reason why Artor is freaking out. I would be. And once again I’m extremely offended by the subtext here, which is pretty much “Artor = the Christian god, Artor/God is a big loser, also evil, worship my darling characters instead”. Wow, go fuck yourself. (Again, I'm an atheist and this shit still offends me).
Moving right along (before I burst a blood vessel), we learn that Jorge volunteered to come here and now regrets it. We also learn that he’s an old guy. As in old enough that it’s really not all that believable that he’d still be capable of being on active duty – the guy is pushing 70. I did some quick googling, and apparently the average lifespan for a man in Medieval England was about 35 to 40. I’d maybe buy it if this guy wasn’t a military commander and had a more comfortable, settled life with good food and medical attention and so on – apparently in the 1500s some guys did live to be about 69 – but he’s not. He’s a soldier in the field, in horrible conditions. By the standards of his approximate time period and lifestyle, he should have retired yonks ago. Or, y’know, lost all his teeth and died.
He thinks about praying to Artor, who he’s always believed in, but then has the usual bullshit entry level athiest objection about how Artor hasn’t done anything to protect people from dying recently and is therefore “ineffectual”. Really? Because last time I checked that’s not how religious faith works, and especially not the mainstream Christian faith I grew up with, and on which Artor worship is very clearly based. Has this guy never heard the expression “God helps those who help themselves”? The point of prayer is NOT to make flocks of angels descend from on high and magically fix all your problems for free. This author clearly knows jack shit about how religion actually works, which just makes the unsubtle Christianity-bashing in this trilogy even more stupid and offensive. (And I repeat – I am an athiest. Just one who happens to be way less of an asshole about it, apparently). The more I spork, the more I get the feeling this author really was following the Marion Zimmer Bradley model, and not in a good way. (Not that I could name anything good about Mists of Avalon in the first place, mind you).
Mercifully, after this nonsense something actually starts to happen. The storm dies down and the gramatically incorrect “Gryphon” appear to begin their attack. And honestly, the author’s weird decision to use “gryphon” as both the singular and plural form of the name works against her here, because there’s supposed to be a big flock of them, but it reads as if there’s only one. Some frickin’ invasion force, amirite? They only sent the one guy!
And guess who else is here? It’s Timmy. Or as I will now be calling him, Evil Timmy. He’s riding on a gryphon of his own, and apparently because he has training as a horseman he’s had no problems whatsoever adapting to a flying mount. Yeah, not buying it. Either way he’s got his army now, just like in his visions, and he’s pretty pleased with himself. Thanks to Gorgrael he now has the ability to telepathically command the hundreds of gryphon [sic], and he sees the ruined town below and has eeevil thoughts about how great it is that people have frozen to death. You know, ordinary people with no involvement in the war. I get that you’re Gorgrael’s bitch now, Timmy, but you don’t have to be a dick about it.
It turns out that Evil Timmy also has a bunch of Skraelings at his command, and he’s got half a day to wipe everyone out. The chapter ends as he gives the order to begin, and I’m honestly wondering whether we’re going to get a stupid Deus Ex Machina to save the day for the alleged good guys, or whether the author is going to sacrifice a minor character (ie Jorge) to briefly make the bad guys look like a threat before the Sues go back to mowing them down like wheatstalks.
Given that the only named character present right now is a disposable redshirt, I’m going to go with the latter. Let’s see if I’m right!
A bunch of horsepillars (remember those?) go in, and no-one tries to attack them.
In case you've forgotten.
Apparently Gorgrael deliberately gives all his creations big silver eyes which are also huge honking weak spots. Because Gorgrael is an idiot. But now he’s made some tweaks, and everyone has bone visors to protect their eyes, which means only “a skilled and extremely calm swordsman or archer” can get to them now.
Oh, but don’t worry, guys. That’s not going to impede Axis and Azhure in the slightest, because of course it won’t. In fact if memory serves it’s basically never going to come up again after this. Because while the author is good at coming up with dangerous monsters, she sucks at the follow-through thanks to her apparent crippling fear of letting her favoured characters fail at anything.
Cut to Jorge. He sees the enemy coming and knows they’re all going to die, so he turns to the surviving Icarii and tells their commander to get them out of here and go and tell Axis what happened.
Hey, remember how I mentioned how much this author sucks at writing tense or suspenseful scenes? Well this time she topped herself. Public service announcement – please swallow whatever you’re eating, put down any glasses of water, and make sure you’re not within earshot of someone you don’t want to wake up.
Everybody ready?
The Icarii leader’s name is RuffleCrest JoyFlight.
Yes, seriously.
RuffleCrest JoyFlight.
I repeat. RUFFLECREST JOYFLIGHT.
No joke, when I read that bit I burst into gales of hysterical laughter over the keyboard. I had to take a break and drink some water because I was laughing so hard. Hell, I’m laughing right now. BEHOLD OH YE MAGNIFICENT ANGEL OF THE SKIES – MIGHTY RUFFLECREST!
Sara Douglass, I wish you were alive right now if only so I could ask – what the hell were you thinking?!? I mean I’ve been asking that a lot largely in regards to what an utter psychopath Axis is, but what the Christ is this? RUFFLECREST? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?
Anyway, so – snrk – RuffleCrest flies off with his guys. Evil Timmy sees them escaping, and SkraeFear (remember him?) flies over and says they should go after them and rip them to shreds. But surely the magnificent RuffleCrest cannot be slain by some off-brand fantasy monsters! His mere name hath rendered him invincible – invincible, I say!
Evil Timmy, being a cardboard cutout villain now, uses his new powers to hurt SkraeFear out of sheer pointless vindictiveness, and then sends some gryphons to attack the Icarii, adding that they should let a couple of them escape.
Because, to quote Captain Jack Sparrow: “No survivors? Then where do the stories come from, I wonder?”
And apparently the gryphons “[understand] the principle of unquestioning obedience”. Which is funny, because the last time I checked cats were not interested in obeying anyone, and especially not unquestioningly, and eagles likewise. No, really. I have a friend who works with raptors. They are not interested in becoming your horse, nor do they work together as a flock.
In any case the gryphons attack, and rip the Icarii to pieces just like they did in the last book, except now we get to see it. Unfortunately the author has some weird ideas about how being mauled by an animal works, as we see one woman “literally burst apart in a shower of blood and body parts”.
Yeah, no. Not buying it. Bodies do not “burst apart” without the involvement of some sort of explosive device, or possibly Mexican food.
A gryphon grabs RuffleCrest. Nooo, not RuffleCrest! Anyone but him! Spare his life, O merciful author!
The author is indeed merciful and the gryphon doesn’t kill him – it just roughs him up a bit and then lets him go. RuffleCrest, no relation to Ruffles Chips (probably) flies off severely injured and we’re blandly informed that “he would be almost dead from exhaustion” by the time he reaches safety. This is boring, also a spoiler that he survives, and did I mention that it’s boring?
With the magnificent RuffleCrest JoyFlight safely out of the way, the Skraelings and gryphons attack Jervois Landing. We’re back with Jorge, who fights some Skraelings as they break into the building where he’s sheltering. Despite the fact that he’s, y’know, fighting for his life, his inner monologue continues with absolutely no interruption or the slightest change in style. This isn’t a fight scene at all – it’s a cutscene. And it’s boring. But then, all of Douglass’ action scenes are boring. Largely thanks to mistakes like this one.
He thinks about how even Axis will have trouble killing the skraelings now, and how their assault has been “well planned and well co-ordinated”, and wonders who taught them how to work as a proper army.
While fighting to the death against ravening monsters, may I remind you.
Hahahahah, yeah no.
Apparently Evil Timmy can read people’s minds now, because he creepily shows up behind Jorge and replies to his inner monologue. Jorge is all like “dude wtf” and then realises Evil Timmy is Evil now, with “cold cruelty” in his eyes. He melodramatically whispers the old chestnut “have you gone mad [Evil Timmy]?”, and Evil Timmy says “I have come entirely to my senses” and then stabs him in the gut. Ouch.
Jorge falls down and starts dying, and – oh, this is sickening. In his last moments he whispers Axis’ name and prays for the fuckhead to “avenge me”, and the author tells us that “At the last, Jorge had found his god”.
I repeat: Wow, go fuck yourself.
We then get a brief telepathic conversation between Evil Timmy and Gorgrael, and Gorgrael asks him if it was fun. Timmy says yes, adding that “I think I will bathe in blood tonight”.
Yes, really. Could this possibly get any more cheesy?
The chapter ends there, and now I’m going to go and throw up. (Note too that I didn’t even blink at the bathing in blood bit. Nope, it’s the Axis = GOD bit that has me spitting up bile).
*
The next chapter must be something truly special, because it’s named after my new favourite character – RuffleCrest! Apparently he “speaks” in this chapter. Ooh, this should be a day to remember! Or rather night – I just broke for dinner.
SpikeFeather – remember him? – has been promoted between books and is flying around with some of his guys when they find the legendary RuffleCrest. Apparently his torso is “streaked with crimson and green lines of infection”, and that’s not how infection works. They carry him to King Asshole – uh, I mean “the StarMan”, but I repeat myself – and watch while he uses the stupid Song of Recreation to fix the guy right up. It works and RuffleCrest is saved! Hooray!
In the next scene I get a flashback to Nasuada outside Dras-Leona, as we literally open with someone telling RuffleCrest to repeat himself. Y’know, so the audience can hear you this time. Alas, thanks to having the song used on him, RuffleCrest now has amnesia just like SpikeFeather before him. Why does the song have an amnesia side effect? Because it’s dramatically convenient, shut up.
RuffleCrest is humiliated and apologises for not remembering his message, but then right out of nowhere Axis declares that he can do the remembering for him using magic. Uh-huh. Axis puts his hands on the guy’s shoulders and starts singing “the Song of Recall”, except he sings it with “such consumate skill and power that most were left agape with astonishment”, blah blah blah Axis is Awesome. Both hands on the keyboard, author. Honestly, it’s just gotten boring by this point. A vision of what happened appears for all to see, except for the part where RuffleCrest was injured, because Axis “worked the enchantment so the birdman would not re-live the horror”.
…a courtesty he did NOT show to Azhure in the last book, by the way. So not only is this out of nowhere, but it makes Axis look like an even bigger abusive hypocrite than he already was.
With that done Axis praises Ruffles for doing a good job, then sends him away and starts talking to his cronies about what happened. Margarita gives us an obnoxiously anachronistic bit of dialogue as he refers to the “aerial views”, and Belial says the forces they saw would have been able to overtake Jervois Landing in “half an hour”, which again sounds way too modern. Axis asks how long it would’ve taken Ruffles to fly from there to here, and FarSight says two or three days with very little rest, which surprises Belial, whereupon another Icarii named HoverEye smugly says that “birdmen have deep reserves of stamina, far more than humans”, lest we forget that the Icarii are Better Than You. And particularly so whenever it suits the author. Which is most of the time.
Axis speculates about which way the enemy would have gone since then, but Margarita interrupts and asks him to replay the clip they got from Ruffles’ onboard security camera. Well that’s what he might as well be saying considering how utterly contrived this is.
Axis obligingly shows them the video again (why lie?), and Margarita points out that the Skraelings are now formed into units like a proper army with “tight discipline”, and clearly Gorgrael “has got himself a good WarLord”. Look, just cut the bullshit and say “general”, author – these stupid made-up names aren’t helping anything.
Azhure meanwhile remembers what WolfStar said about the Pointlessly Capitalised Traitor, and yet again wonders just who said Traitor is. Duuurrr.
They study the footage some more and realise that the larger bulk of the Skraeling army is heading south to a place called Aldeni, which I don’t remember or care about. Axis turns “grey with shock”, and finally declares that they’ll have to march out there. FarSight asks where to, and as per usual Axis reacts by becoming snappish and rude, saying they’re heading North. Why oh why does he have to keep being such an asshole to his supposed friends? I’ve said it before, but pointlessly antagonising people all the time is NOT good leadership.
Cut to the jackass with Azhure later on. Apparently they’ve spent some time getting the army ready, and soon Axis will be gone. Woohoo! Don’t come back! Ever! Azhure sighs dramatically and says her archers will do fine with Demi Moore as their new commander, and Axis says that she’ll have Rivkah and Griff to help her out in his absence.
Azhure has a bit of a giggle and says how weird it is that two years ago she was just some random peasant woman and now she’s being left in charge of the Kingdom. I wouldn’t call it “funny” so much as “idiotic” and “a monumentally terrible idea”, but there you go. Cue some false modesty as Axis thinks about how Azhure once thought that “she had no place at [his] side”, but is now “beyond that old concern”. Because Azhure is an arrogant, entitled little shit. She and Axis were made for each other. In Hell.
Axis now reveals that he’s been creepily reading her mind, and says she wants to tell him something. Wow, that’s not a horrible invasion of privacy or anything. Naturally Azhure just thinks about how much she’s going to miss him. You know, the guy who almost beat her to death about a week ago, and then mind-raped her. That guy. This characterisation is so bad it’s almost surreal.
Rather than letting her say what she wants to say, Axis rudely does it for her, saying she’s going to go to the Island of Mist and Memory. Why is it called that anyway? Azhure now reveals that she met with WolfStar. Which again, Axis already knows because he keeps intruding on her thoughts without her knowing it. Azhure thinks “how could she keep anything from him?”, which is supposed to be romantic but just sounds fucking creepy. She literally belongs to him now, to the point that she’s not even allowed to have privacy inside her own head, for fuck’s sake. First Axis completely disregarded her sexual autonomy by raping her, then he disrespected her bodily autonomy by using her pregnancy as a weapon against her, and now he’s disregarding her mental autonomy as well, to the point that it’s even worse than, say, reading her private diary. There is literally no way out of this relationship now. If she so much as thinks about leaving him, he’ll know. And she knows that he’ll know. And we all know how he reacted last time she talked about leaving.
How the fuck are you supposed to have the slightest jot of freedom when you’re not even allowed to keep your thoughts to yourself, even if you want to? The fact that Azhure doesn’t apparently want to leave him is irrelevant – she should have the option to either way. Everyone should have that option, in any relationship they get into. Because guess what? People change, and people have the right to choose who they associate with, no matter what the reason behind it! I’ve ended decades-long relationships because the other person changed and I didn’t wish to be friends with them any more. It’s my right as an autonomous human being to do so, as and when I choose, and I don’t owe anyone an explanation.
But nope. Axis assaulted her for denying him sex and talking about ending their relationship, and now he’s inside her head. Watching her thoughts.
That’s not romantic.
At all.
It’s sick and disgusting, and that’s all it is, and the author should be ashamed of herself for presenting this is as in any way healthy or desirable.
Sigh.
Azhure tells him that WolfStar was shocked to see her wearing the One Ring, and also that he was “aghast” that she and Axis believed he was the traitor. She adds that she thinks the traitor was the one commanding Gorgrael’s armies. Axis is surprised, and moron that he is, can’t for the life of him figure out who it could possibly be.
Oh, how about literally the only person who has deserted you EVER in the entire trilogy so far? You know, the guy with military training and a major grudge against you? That guy?
Instead, Axis just changes the subject. He says StarDrifter will want to go to the island with Azhure. Rather refreshingly, she’s annoyed by the suggestion and thinks that the last thing she needs is that guy “making a nuisance of himself”. You mean, sexually harassing you? With the creepy staring and the unwanted touching and the kissing and feeling you up against your will? What a loveable rascal he is! Teehee!
Azhure says she needs to be alone and definitely doesn’t need StarDrifter, and from the way it’s written this is clearly supposed to be her being annoyed by Axis wanting to give her some protection, big overly concerned sweetheart that he is. Axis points out that there will be a bunch of pirates, plus priestesses, plus FreeFall and EvenSong already there, so she won’t be all that alone.
We’re informed that FreeFall and EvenSong moved to the temple right after Axis and Azhure got married, because “FreeFall had become increasingly given to the mystical”, whatever the hell that means, and nobody wanted to part him from his Twu Wuv so she was given permission to go with him.
Azhure gets exasperated and thinks about how she knows that StarDrifter “still [hungers] for her, that he had never recovered from his disappointment and anger when Azhure had chosen Axis on that Beltide Night”, and has “never ceased to let Azhure know that he still wanted her.”
Aaaand that’s a rapist/stalker in a nutshell. How DARE she say no to me?? This is an affont to my very masculinity!
Believe it or not, an emotionally healthy, well-adjusted man, on being rejected by a woman (or hell, another man if he swings that way), accepts it and moves on. Sure, he’s probably going to be unhappy about it, but he understands and accepts that it’s not going to happen. Maybe she’s already in a relationship. Maybe he’s not her type. Maybe he came on too strong and scared her off. Or hell, maybe she’s just a bitch. Either way it’s not the end of the world, and it’s not a cue to “just keep trying” until she gives in. Because a real man understands that a woman is a person, not a reward, and the world does not owe him or anyone a relationship, or sex.
…in hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have decided to spork while drinking wine – it’s making me pontificate. More than usual, I mean.
No means no, StarDrifter. The fact that he reacts to rejection by getting angry is a red flag the size of the Tasman Sea. Even more so that he still hasn’t let it go nearly two years later. No I don’t care about the stupid singing SunSoar blood bullshit.
Axis tells her that actually he has a good reason to want StarDrifter there – as he himself won’t be there for the birth of the twins, StarDrifter will have to talk them through it so they and Azhure won’t die and do us all a favour. Azhure says she can handle it herself, but Axis points out that the babies don’t like her and probably wouldn’t listen.
He adds that the twins “were forced to endure what we both went through the day I broke through the block in your mind”. No mention of the violent beating that preceded it, naturally. Azhure asks why that would make them also dislike her, and Axis says it’s “Because you forgave me and because you chose to continue to love me”, and that’s why “they cannot forgive you”.
Yeah, I haven’t forgiven her either, trust me. What Axis did was unforgiveable, plain and simple, and by letting him get away with it she’s acting as an enabler.
The attempt at “romance” continues (I feel disgusting calling it that even with the sarcastic quotes), as Axis says “you know how much I love you” and Azhure answers “You do not need to tell me”. Actually, yes he does. Because so far he’s done absolutely nothing to suggest that he actually loves or even likes you, other than as a fucktoy.
Axis has a “premonition of doom”, and says the other reason he wants StarDrifter with Azhure is because he’s afraid that he’s going to be defeated by Gorgrael. Aw, we’re pretending Gorgrael is a real threat and that Axis is capable of losing again. Adorable. It’s like watching a toddler take a few wobbly steps and then fall on his bottom.
Azhure is “horrified”, and Axis goes on about how weak his supah powahs are against the Skraelings. Except that he routinely slaughters them by the truckload without using any magic at all, a fact the author is conveniently ignoring. He adds that his followers – including Belial and Margarita and Demi Moore, his supposed friends – will die “just as quickly as Jorge did”. Then why the fuck are you leading them to their deaths, Axis? Sure, the Skraelings are marching on your kingdom, but if you’re that sure you’re going to lose, surely you can come up with a better strategy than “suicide mission”. But nope. Some brilliant commander this guy is.
Things take a turn for the truly disgusting, as Axis says that if something happens to him, Azhure should hook up with StarDrifter. Yes, really. He says, and I quote, “He loves you, you are both SunSoar so you will be happy together, and he will be a good father to my children.”
StarDrifter? A good father? The guy who openly plotted to fuck his own unborn granddaughter? Are you HIGH?
And yes, we seriously did just see a guy tell his wife to go and hook up with her own father in law if he dies.
Azhure reacts to this by “striking his chest with a clenched fist (that’s called punching, author), trying to twist out of his hands”, “But Axis was far stronger, and he held her firmly”. Oh look, he’s forcibly restraining his girlfriend again. Lovely.
Then Azhure has a good cry, “Not because Axis had planned for the future should he die (…by telling you to hook up with his FATHER, the sexual predator), but because of the defeat she heard in his voice. Axis expected to die!”
Axis hugs her in the moonlight, and it’s all very dramatic. And once again we’re supposed to think something bad might actually happen to the asshole. If only.
The chapter ends there, and the only real compensation for all the horrible bullshit I just had to wade through is knowing that in the next chapter something bad happens to the Sentinels. YES! …uh, I mean that’s terrible, cough. But that will have to wait until next time.
