So, Epistler posted the prophecy... and I just needed to spork it. This thing is worse than Paoetry, folks, and no comment thread could contain all that I have to say about it. Buckle in, because we are whitewater rafting down Shit Creek.
The Prophecy of the Destroyer
Because what would a pulp fantasy prophecy be without a vauge, pretentious-as-fuck title?
A day will come when born will be
Two babes whose blood will tie them.
That born to Wing and Horn will hate
The one they call the StarMan.
Now, I'll give this thing one point: it has more rhythm than Paoetry. However, it has a rhythm that usually lends itself to rhyme... and I don't see any rhyming here. It's also terribly boring; the language isn't evocative in the slightest. It's also blatantly spelling out, which is the last thing you want to do with a prophecy. Clearly-worded prophecies kill all tension in the story; loophole-ridden wording with multiple valid literal and metaphorical interpreations are a way of preserving suspense, not a way to annoy readers.
I also question the capitalization of "Wing" and "Horn" here. Why are those words important? I went and read the prologue all the way through just to check, and I don't remember wings and horns being important in that freakish birth scene.
Finally, the last couple lines have some unintentional grammatical confusion, in that they sound more like a dangling relative clause saying that both children will be "born to Wing and Horn" and hate the "StarMan" (which is still a mind-numbingly stupid name/title for a prophesied hero).
Destroyer! rises in the north
That exclamaition point is thoroughly unnecessary. the word "destroyer" would already be emphasized by the rhythm; all that the punctuation does is add a pause that wrecks said rhythm and makes my brain hurt.
And drives his Ghostmen south;
Defenceless lie both flesh and field
Before Gorgrael’s ice.
Ah, it even names one of the characters! Of course it does; we can't have any ambiguity as to which kid will be the EEEEEVIL one. This is pulp fantasy, after all; moral ambiguity has no place here.
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"Gorgrael" is a pretty stupid name, but by Sara Douglass standards, it's really not that bad. It's certainly better than StarDrifter, Axis, Faraday, Azhure, or freaking GoldFeather. Still, the image it conjures in my mind is a grail full of gore. Thus, in the grand BattleAxe tradition of WordSmushing, this character will henceforth be referred to as GoreGrail.
To meet this threat you must release
The StarMan from his lies,
*yawn* Good fuck, could this prophecy get any more boring? For fuck's sake, Douglass, throw in some metaphor! You'd think someone who comes up with bizarre monsters and character deaths would be able to write a half-decent brain-melting simile, but noooooo, we just have boring-ass shit in this prophecy. Boring. Ass. Shit.
Revive Tencendor, fast and sure
Forget the ancient war,
Three fucking stanzas in, we finally get something that looks vaguely like a rhyme. Unfortunately, it's a horribly forced rhyme, and it would fit an A/A/B/B scheme rather than the A/B/A/B or A/B/C/B schemes that would work with this rhythm.
For if Plough, Wing and Horn can’t find
I know you sometimes need to use a contraction to fit your rhythm, but that "can't" looks horribly out of place in this faux-medieval prophecy.
The bridge to understanding,
She finally throws in a metaphor, and it's a hackneyed one. *heavy sigh*
Then will Gorgrael earn his name
And bring Destruction hither.
No matter how I pronounce GoreGrail's name in my head, I cannot get it to fit the rhythm this poem has been in up until now. That capitalization of "destruction" is also thoroughly unnecessary; it exists solely to look Important and Dramatic.
StarMan, listen, heed me well,
Your power will destroy you
If you should wield it in the fray
’Ere these prophecies are met:
Oh good, more prophecies! Lemme guess, they're going to be horribly obvious and hackneyed, just like this. At this point, I'm hoping the StarMan does destroy himself with his power.
This also marks the point at which the rhythm is thoroughly abandoned. It took longer than it does for a Paoem, but sweet Apollo's lyre, that was jarring.
The Sentinels will walk abroad
’Til power corrupt their hearts;
There was no reason to say "corrupt" instead of "corrupts" here.
A child will turn her head and cry
Revealing ancient arts;
Oh, now we have the A/B/C/B rhyme scheme! *growls* Too little, too fucking late.
A wife will hold in joy at night
The slayer of her husband;
"Hold in joy" has to be one of the worst poetic terms for sex I've ever seen. Though really, wouldn't it be cool if it turned out not to be a boring, hackneyed sex metaphor, and just turned out to be a reference to a woman killing her own husband and triumphantly holding whatever she used to do so? That would be a lot more interesting than the shit we actually get in this book.
Age-old souls, long in cribs,
Will sing o’er mortal land;
More proof of this prophecy's awfulness as a poem: it can't go two rhyming stanzas without forcing the rhyme. To make "land" work as a rhyme for "husband," you either have to pronounce the A in "husband" like the A in "cat", or pronounce "land" as "lund". Needless to say, both options sound hideously awkward.
The remade dead, fat with child
Will birth abomination;
Oh great, more fucking horror pregnancies. Sara Douglass, this comes straight from my tokophobia:
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To make it even better, "fat with child" is one of my absolute least favorite ways to say "pregnant". Really, any adjective "with child", or just "with child" on its own, sound awful to me. I will acknowledge that this is a personal dislike, but I think we can all agree that "fat with child" sounds really ugly, especially in a poem.
A darker power will prove to be
The father of salvation.
Yes, because that's never been done before... YAWN.
Then waters will release bright eyes
To form the Rainbow Sceptre.
StarMan, listen, for I know
That you can wield the sceptre
...
She just did that.
She just rhymed "sceptre" with "sceptre".
I repeat:
SHE JUST RHYMED "SCEPTRE" WITH "SCEPTRE".
Just... fucking kill me now.
To bring Gorgrael to his knees
And break the ice asunder.
Boring. Moving on.
But even with the power in hand
Your pathway is not sure:
A Traitor from within your camp
Will seek and plot to harm you;
Of course. Couldn't let anything be uncertain in this fucking prophecy. It always has to be absolutely fucking literal, so that the characters and the readers always have the author holding their hands.
Please don't touch me, Douglass. I can walk on my own. I'm an adult, I swear.
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Let not your Lover’s pain distract
For this will mean your death;
"Lover" doesn't need to be capitalized here. For that matter, neither does "Traitor" in the last bit. Dammit, Douglass, there are better ways to make things important than randomly capitalizing them!
Destroyer’s might lies in his hate
Yet you must never follow;
Forgiveness is the thing assured
To save Tencendor’s soul.
Of course, because hate leads to the Dark Side, dontchaknow.
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Seriously, though... fuck this prophecy.
The Prophecy of the Destroyer
Because what would a pulp fantasy prophecy be without a vauge, pretentious-as-fuck title?
A day will come when born will be
Two babes whose blood will tie them.
That born to Wing and Horn will hate
The one they call the StarMan.
Now, I'll give this thing one point: it has more rhythm than Paoetry. However, it has a rhythm that usually lends itself to rhyme... and I don't see any rhyming here. It's also terribly boring; the language isn't evocative in the slightest. It's also blatantly spelling out, which is the last thing you want to do with a prophecy. Clearly-worded prophecies kill all tension in the story; loophole-ridden wording with multiple valid literal and metaphorical interpreations are a way of preserving suspense, not a way to annoy readers.
I also question the capitalization of "Wing" and "Horn" here. Why are those words important? I went and read the prologue all the way through just to check, and I don't remember wings and horns being important in that freakish birth scene.
Finally, the last couple lines have some unintentional grammatical confusion, in that they sound more like a dangling relative clause saying that both children will be "born to Wing and Horn" and hate the "StarMan" (which is still a mind-numbingly stupid name/title for a prophesied hero).
Destroyer! rises in the north
That exclamaition point is thoroughly unnecessary. the word "destroyer" would already be emphasized by the rhythm; all that the punctuation does is add a pause that wrecks said rhythm and makes my brain hurt.
And drives his Ghostmen south;
Defenceless lie both flesh and field
Before Gorgrael’s ice.
Ah, it even names one of the characters! Of course it does; we can't have any ambiguity as to which kid will be the EEEEEVIL one. This is pulp fantasy, after all; moral ambiguity has no place here.
"Gorgrael" is a pretty stupid name, but by Sara Douglass standards, it's really not that bad. It's certainly better than StarDrifter, Axis, Faraday, Azhure, or freaking GoldFeather. Still, the image it conjures in my mind is a grail full of gore. Thus, in the grand BattleAxe tradition of WordSmushing, this character will henceforth be referred to as GoreGrail.
To meet this threat you must release
The StarMan from his lies,
*yawn* Good fuck, could this prophecy get any more boring? For fuck's sake, Douglass, throw in some metaphor! You'd think someone who comes up with bizarre monsters and character deaths would be able to write a half-decent brain-melting simile, but noooooo, we just have boring-ass shit in this prophecy. Boring. Ass. Shit.
Revive Tencendor, fast and sure
Forget the ancient war,
Three fucking stanzas in, we finally get something that looks vaguely like a rhyme. Unfortunately, it's a horribly forced rhyme, and it would fit an A/A/B/B scheme rather than the A/B/A/B or A/B/C/B schemes that would work with this rhythm.
For if Plough, Wing and Horn can’t find
I know you sometimes need to use a contraction to fit your rhythm, but that "can't" looks horribly out of place in this faux-medieval prophecy.
The bridge to understanding,
She finally throws in a metaphor, and it's a hackneyed one. *heavy sigh*
Then will Gorgrael earn his name
And bring Destruction hither.
No matter how I pronounce GoreGrail's name in my head, I cannot get it to fit the rhythm this poem has been in up until now. That capitalization of "destruction" is also thoroughly unnecessary; it exists solely to look Important and Dramatic.
StarMan, listen, heed me well,
Your power will destroy you
If you should wield it in the fray
’Ere these prophecies are met:
Oh good, more prophecies! Lemme guess, they're going to be horribly obvious and hackneyed, just like this. At this point, I'm hoping the StarMan does destroy himself with his power.
This also marks the point at which the rhythm is thoroughly abandoned. It took longer than it does for a Paoem, but sweet Apollo's lyre, that was jarring.
The Sentinels will walk abroad
’Til power corrupt their hearts;
There was no reason to say "corrupt" instead of "corrupts" here.
A child will turn her head and cry
Revealing ancient arts;
Oh, now we have the A/B/C/B rhyme scheme! *growls* Too little, too fucking late.
A wife will hold in joy at night
The slayer of her husband;
"Hold in joy" has to be one of the worst poetic terms for sex I've ever seen. Though really, wouldn't it be cool if it turned out not to be a boring, hackneyed sex metaphor, and just turned out to be a reference to a woman killing her own husband and triumphantly holding whatever she used to do so? That would be a lot more interesting than the shit we actually get in this book.
Age-old souls, long in cribs,
Will sing o’er mortal land;
More proof of this prophecy's awfulness as a poem: it can't go two rhyming stanzas without forcing the rhyme. To make "land" work as a rhyme for "husband," you either have to pronounce the A in "husband" like the A in "cat", or pronounce "land" as "lund". Needless to say, both options sound hideously awkward.
The remade dead, fat with child
Will birth abomination;
Oh great, more fucking horror pregnancies. Sara Douglass, this comes straight from my tokophobia:
To make it even better, "fat with child" is one of my absolute least favorite ways to say "pregnant". Really, any adjective "with child", or just "with child" on its own, sound awful to me. I will acknowledge that this is a personal dislike, but I think we can all agree that "fat with child" sounds really ugly, especially in a poem.
A darker power will prove to be
The father of salvation.
Yes, because that's never been done before... YAWN.
Then waters will release bright eyes
To form the Rainbow Sceptre.
StarMan, listen, for I know
That you can wield the sceptre
...
She just did that.
She just rhymed "sceptre" with "sceptre".
I repeat:
SHE JUST RHYMED "SCEPTRE" WITH "SCEPTRE".
Just... fucking kill me now.
To bring Gorgrael to his knees
And break the ice asunder.
Boring. Moving on.
But even with the power in hand
Your pathway is not sure:
A Traitor from within your camp
Will seek and plot to harm you;
Of course. Couldn't let anything be uncertain in this fucking prophecy. It always has to be absolutely fucking literal, so that the characters and the readers always have the author holding their hands.
Please don't touch me, Douglass. I can walk on my own. I'm an adult, I swear.
Let not your Lover’s pain distract
For this will mean your death;
"Lover" doesn't need to be capitalized here. For that matter, neither does "Traitor" in the last bit. Dammit, Douglass, there are better ways to make things important than randomly capitalizing them!
Destroyer’s might lies in his hate
Yet you must never follow;
Forgiveness is the thing assured
To save Tencendor’s soul.
Of course, because hate leads to the Dark Side, dontchaknow.
Seriously, though... fuck this prophecy.