And the Brisingr spork is back on track! Next up is ![]()
torylltales with "Among The Clouds". Hop to it, bucko! Or I'll have to spork it for you, and I've got my hands full with this nonsense already.
The next chapter returns to Faraday at last. She’s in King Afro’s bedroom with the Queen and Borneheld and a bunch of other people. King Afro is in bed, apparently dying, and we’re informed that over the last few days he started acting like a crazy person, seeing imaginary enemies and having manic episodes. Naturally (and in a rare touch of realism) medieval medicine has done nothing to help. Unfortunately the author also takes the opportunity for an unfunny, tasteless joke about how a previous patient was accidentally burned to death by being wrapped in brandy-soaked cloth, so they don’t use that treatment any more. Har har. A mentally ill person died horribly - isn't that hilarious?
Meanwhile everyone’s now saying that the whole wanting to follow the Prophecy thing must have been the early stages of King Afro losing his marbles, and Jayme is taking full advantage and telling people the Forbidden did it.
All of this is of course dictated rather than shown.
It’s then very heavily implied that actually Borneheld has been slipping him something. Faraday isn’t fooled and noticed that he’s been having nightmares and tossing and turning and such. As for Faraday she’s super depressed about the whole situation, and at one point tried to heal King Afro, only to find that he’s a victim of unspecified “dark enchantments”.
Interesting.
But who among those who want the King dead can use magic??
(No, it's not Borneheld. Author would never let that loser get powahz. Those are reserved for the "cool" characters).
Anyway, so Jayme performs the last rites and then asks him to do some deathbed confessing and offers him a drink from a “chalice”. Faraday suddenly sees “dark letters” around the chalice’s rim and realises – GASP! – that’s the source of the evil enchantments! She sees Jayme’s evil offsider Moryson, and he’s grinning evilly and staring at the chalice. I guess that answers that question, then. Also, way to preserve your cover moron.
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King Afro finally snuffs it and it’s all very sad I’m sure. Then Moryson names Borneheld as the new King and slips the “amythest ring of office” onto “Borneheld’s thick digit”. Maybe it’s just me, but the words “thick digit” instantly made me think of a penis. Clearly the author wanted to avoid using the word “finger” twice in the same sentence but good grief.
Afterwards Faraday hangs out with Queen Judith and Judith’s lady in waiting Embeth (remember her? Timozel’s mother who Axis was banging in the last book). Judith tells Faraday that before he died King Afro whispered to her that he wanted Axis to be his heir, because of course he did. Embeth is mortified, and Judith says it’s pretty obvious King Afro was assassinated. Axis worship ensues as Judith goes on about how Axis is “a brilliant war leader and a better prince than Borneheld ever would be”.
Yeah, I’m not buying it. The prat can’t even behave himself in court for gods’ sakes.
Then Faraday decides to tell them the truth about herself and Axis, by doing the glowy eye thing and using the Voice of Saruman power which pretty much every crap fantasy protagonist has these days (when did she get the ability to do THAT? This comes right out of nowhere).
Fortunately we don’t have to see the story play out in real time, Gloria Tesch style, but just as you’d expect Judith falls all over herself to help the Sues. You know, the Sues who have magical powers which she’s been taught all her life to hate and– you know what, forget it. Continuity was clearly taken out behind the garden shed and beaten to death with a shovel some time ago.
Borneheld is crowned the next day and it’s all very grand with lots of free booze. Faraday gets a crown too, and typically, she thinks about how one day she’ll sit next to Axis when he’s King.
Ha. Ha. HA.
All the important nobles come up to swear fealty, and all of them get names for no very good reason. Among them is Faraday’s dad, who’s already found himself a “blowsy” girlfriend since he’s single now. What a jerk. Also, nice show of dumping on the girlfriend who has done precisely nothing wrong, author. Feminist series my arse.
Then Judith comes up and asks for a “boon”. Borneheld is all “oh great, the stupid bitch is gonna start demanding land and money and such”. But he’s surprised when Judith just asks for permission to go and stay at Embeth’s place since she won’t be needed at court. Borneheld is all “yeah sure, get lost then”, and after some dishonest pleasantries Judith leaves.
Faraday watches her and thinks about how in reality she’s going to go wait for Axis and tell him and everyone else about how he’s the ”rightful heir”. At the rate this is going, I wouldn’t be surprised if Axis eventually ends up becoming Emperor of the Universe before this trilogy is over. And I bet he’ll still whine about how it’s not enough.
The next chapter goes back to Azhure. She’s now been at Sigholt for six weeks and having a great time, sharing an “apartment” with Rivkah and getting her arse kissed – Belial was so amazed by her completely unearned Mary Sue archery skills that he put her in charge of thirty six other archers. Naturally Azhure is a “natural leader” and her squad is “the most disciplined, ordered and happy” in the entire fort and none of them have any problem with being commanded by a woman despite it being Ye Medieval Times and she’s a fucking peasant. This is EPIC SUE, you guys.
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On top of that Belial is now smitten with her becaue of course he is. Oh, and Axis’ temperamental stallion Belaguez inexplicably lets her ride him when he throws everyone else off. Because Mary Sue is always A Friend To the Animals™
Azhure decides to go for a ride and takes some of her giant magic puppies with her. She thinks about how last night Belial kissed her and then asked her to be his girlfriend because he loves her… for some reason. But unfortunately Belial isn’t Special enough for Little Miss Sue, so she turned him down. Naturally she angsts about this, and further angst ensues as she boo-hoos about how in her original home village nobody wuved her because of her “beauty and temper and independent spirit”.
This is another Sue trait – where Mary Sue’s good looks and other positive traits are somehow “bad” so she gets to angst about how much it sucks to be so awesome. Nobody pities you, Azhure.
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Azhure angsts even more about how she can never be with Axis because Axis is promised to Faraday, but she can’t be with Belial because she’s In Love with Axis and pregnant with his kid.
Told you so.
Even more angst ensues about how she doesn’t want to “deny Axis his child” because it would tear him apart to see his kid suffer the same fate he did, ie. that of growing up without a Daddy. Since when did Axis care about that? But she also doesn’t want him to take the kid away from her.
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I've made this joke before, but fuck it. Isn't this supposed to be an Epic Fantasy story with monsters and magic and world-changing warfare and such? Because so far it's been 20% Sue Praise and 80% Relationship Wangst. What's next, the secret long lost evil half broth- Oh wait, we have that too.
Then Azhure angsts about her own mother, who was Just So Beautiful and had a sweet voice, but whose name Azhure can’t remember and who apparently abandoned her. Angst angst angst. I swear to gods this entire chapter has been nothing but angst. And Sue worship, but that’s par for the course.
Azhure thinks about how awesome it’ll be to have Axis’ kid, and then finally rides back. Belial is waiting in the stables, and now he tells her that by “be my girlfriend” he really meant “marry me”. When they’ve known each other for what, less than two months? Give me a break.
They make out a bit and Azhure thinks about how he’s a good, solid dependable guy who would make a great father.
Naturally of course this means she can’t possibly marry him. Because good, solid dependable guys who are always there for you are boring. It’s much better to shack up with a violent, douchey, unfaithful, temperamental jerk instead. You know, like Axis.
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She drops the bombshell about her pregnancy and turns down his proposal, and Belial correctly guesses that it’s Axis’ kid and that she’s In Love with him. He then quite understandably loses his rag. He points out that he loves her and they could have a good life together and there’s no future for her and Axis. He thinks angry thoughts about Axis, rhetorically asking himself “had the man no conscience? No self control?”. No and no. Not that he’s actually ever going to, y’know, suffer for any of that, because that would mean Axis SueSoar not getting everything he wants as and when he wants it, and we can’t have that.
Azhure tells Belial it would hurt Axis to know his kid was growing up without him.
I have an idea – what about fuck Axis and do what’s best for the kid by letting him have a father figure in his life? (Yes of course it’s a son). In fact, knowing what a complete and total asshole the kid is going to grow up to be, perhaps it’s thanks to having been raised by fucking Axis.
(Yes of course Axis and Azhure are going to end up together. Was that ever in any doubt? And they’re both going to be absolutely horrible parents. Azhure especially.)
Belial is highly unamused to hear that Axis got her pregnant when they only slept together once and says if that’s all he needs he should have bastard children all over the place. Because Axis is a horndog. Apparently this is supposed to be a likeable and/or admirable trait. Though of course if Axis was a woman, it would be anything but admirable and he’d probably be an (acknowledged) villain or otherwise treated as worthless by the narrative. Because like hell this is a "feminist" series.
Belial asks if she would have married him if she wasn’t pregnant and she immediately says yes. So it looks like good old Axis has just ruined his alleged best friend’s life, and Azhure’s as well. My hero.
Azhure returns to Rivkah in tears, and Rivkah, who has already guessed that she’s pregnant, thinks about how “Azhure had wanted to walk away from the inevitable pain of Axis”, which I don’t think could possibly have been phrased any more clunkily, and how Axis isn’t going to let his kid go and especially not if it’s an Enchanter.
She also wonders why none of Axis’ other lovers ever got pregnant. But then she reveals to the reader that apparently male Enchanters have trouble getting women pregnant (probably all that inbreeding), and once they have managed to impregnate some woman they don’t want to let her or the kid go. And this is supposedly why StarDrifter was so taken with Rivkah – because he got her pregnant (on the day they met).
Now, Azhure’s “simple fecundity” means that Axis is going to “hunt her down” (not if he doesn’t know it’s his kid, genius).
Well that’s not creepy at all. And once again we see that men are just helpless puppets who are led around by their dicks. It’s the Dragon Temple Saga all over again, I swear. And ladies? You can turn him down all you like but he’s just going to chase you all over the country until you take him back, but that’s okay – if he stalks you that just means he looooves you.
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torylltales with "Among The Clouds". Hop to it, bucko! Or I'll have to spork it for you, and I've got my hands full with this nonsense already.The next chapter returns to Faraday at last. She’s in King Afro’s bedroom with the Queen and Borneheld and a bunch of other people. King Afro is in bed, apparently dying, and we’re informed that over the last few days he started acting like a crazy person, seeing imaginary enemies and having manic episodes. Naturally (and in a rare touch of realism) medieval medicine has done nothing to help. Unfortunately the author also takes the opportunity for an unfunny, tasteless joke about how a previous patient was accidentally burned to death by being wrapped in brandy-soaked cloth, so they don’t use that treatment any more. Har har. A mentally ill person died horribly - isn't that hilarious?
Meanwhile everyone’s now saying that the whole wanting to follow the Prophecy thing must have been the early stages of King Afro losing his marbles, and Jayme is taking full advantage and telling people the Forbidden did it.
All of this is of course dictated rather than shown.
It’s then very heavily implied that actually Borneheld has been slipping him something. Faraday isn’t fooled and noticed that he’s been having nightmares and tossing and turning and such. As for Faraday she’s super depressed about the whole situation, and at one point tried to heal King Afro, only to find that he’s a victim of unspecified “dark enchantments”.
Interesting.
But who among those who want the King dead can use magic??
(No, it's not Borneheld. Author would never let that loser get powahz. Those are reserved for the "cool" characters).
Anyway, so Jayme performs the last rites and then asks him to do some deathbed confessing and offers him a drink from a “chalice”. Faraday suddenly sees “dark letters” around the chalice’s rim and realises – GASP! – that’s the source of the evil enchantments! She sees Jayme’s evil offsider Moryson, and he’s grinning evilly and staring at the chalice. I guess that answers that question, then. Also, way to preserve your cover moron.
King Afro finally snuffs it and it’s all very sad I’m sure. Then Moryson names Borneheld as the new King and slips the “amythest ring of office” onto “Borneheld’s thick digit”. Maybe it’s just me, but the words “thick digit” instantly made me think of a penis. Clearly the author wanted to avoid using the word “finger” twice in the same sentence but good grief.
Afterwards Faraday hangs out with Queen Judith and Judith’s lady in waiting Embeth (remember her? Timozel’s mother who Axis was banging in the last book). Judith tells Faraday that before he died King Afro whispered to her that he wanted Axis to be his heir, because of course he did. Embeth is mortified, and Judith says it’s pretty obvious King Afro was assassinated. Axis worship ensues as Judith goes on about how Axis is “a brilliant war leader and a better prince than Borneheld ever would be”.
Yeah, I’m not buying it. The prat can’t even behave himself in court for gods’ sakes.
Then Faraday decides to tell them the truth about herself and Axis, by doing the glowy eye thing and using the Voice of Saruman power which pretty much every crap fantasy protagonist has these days (when did she get the ability to do THAT? This comes right out of nowhere).
Fortunately we don’t have to see the story play out in real time, Gloria Tesch style, but just as you’d expect Judith falls all over herself to help the Sues. You know, the Sues who have magical powers which she’s been taught all her life to hate and– you know what, forget it. Continuity was clearly taken out behind the garden shed and beaten to death with a shovel some time ago.
Borneheld is crowned the next day and it’s all very grand with lots of free booze. Faraday gets a crown too, and typically, she thinks about how one day she’ll sit next to Axis when he’s King.
Ha. Ha. HA.
All the important nobles come up to swear fealty, and all of them get names for no very good reason. Among them is Faraday’s dad, who’s already found himself a “blowsy” girlfriend since he’s single now. What a jerk. Also, nice show of dumping on the girlfriend who has done precisely nothing wrong, author. Feminist series my arse.
Then Judith comes up and asks for a “boon”. Borneheld is all “oh great, the stupid bitch is gonna start demanding land and money and such”. But he’s surprised when Judith just asks for permission to go and stay at Embeth’s place since she won’t be needed at court. Borneheld is all “yeah sure, get lost then”, and after some dishonest pleasantries Judith leaves.
Faraday watches her and thinks about how in reality she’s going to go wait for Axis and tell him and everyone else about how he’s the ”rightful heir”. At the rate this is going, I wouldn’t be surprised if Axis eventually ends up becoming Emperor of the Universe before this trilogy is over. And I bet he’ll still whine about how it’s not enough.
The next chapter goes back to Azhure. She’s now been at Sigholt for six weeks and having a great time, sharing an “apartment” with Rivkah and getting her arse kissed – Belial was so amazed by her completely unearned Mary Sue archery skills that he put her in charge of thirty six other archers. Naturally Azhure is a “natural leader” and her squad is “the most disciplined, ordered and happy” in the entire fort and none of them have any problem with being commanded by a woman despite it being Ye Medieval Times and she’s a fucking peasant. This is EPIC SUE, you guys.
On top of that Belial is now smitten with her becaue of course he is. Oh, and Axis’ temperamental stallion Belaguez inexplicably lets her ride him when he throws everyone else off. Because Mary Sue is always A Friend To the Animals™
Azhure decides to go for a ride and takes some of her giant magic puppies with her. She thinks about how last night Belial kissed her and then asked her to be his girlfriend because he loves her… for some reason. But unfortunately Belial isn’t Special enough for Little Miss Sue, so she turned him down. Naturally she angsts about this, and further angst ensues as she boo-hoos about how in her original home village nobody wuved her because of her “beauty and temper and independent spirit”.
This is another Sue trait – where Mary Sue’s good looks and other positive traits are somehow “bad” so she gets to angst about how much it sucks to be so awesome. Nobody pities you, Azhure.
Azhure angsts even more about how she can never be with Axis because Axis is promised to Faraday, but she can’t be with Belial because she’s In Love with Axis and pregnant with his kid.
Told you so.
Even more angst ensues about how she doesn’t want to “deny Axis his child” because it would tear him apart to see his kid suffer the same fate he did, ie. that of growing up without a Daddy. Since when did Axis care about that? But she also doesn’t want him to take the kid away from her.
I've made this joke before, but fuck it. Isn't this supposed to be an Epic Fantasy story with monsters and magic and world-changing warfare and such? Because so far it's been 20% Sue Praise and 80% Relationship Wangst. What's next, the secret long lost evil half broth- Oh wait, we have that too.
Then Azhure angsts about her own mother, who was Just So Beautiful and had a sweet voice, but whose name Azhure can’t remember and who apparently abandoned her. Angst angst angst. I swear to gods this entire chapter has been nothing but angst. And Sue worship, but that’s par for the course.
Azhure thinks about how awesome it’ll be to have Axis’ kid, and then finally rides back. Belial is waiting in the stables, and now he tells her that by “be my girlfriend” he really meant “marry me”. When they’ve known each other for what, less than two months? Give me a break.
They make out a bit and Azhure thinks about how he’s a good, solid dependable guy who would make a great father.
Naturally of course this means she can’t possibly marry him. Because good, solid dependable guys who are always there for you are boring. It’s much better to shack up with a violent, douchey, unfaithful, temperamental jerk instead. You know, like Axis.
She drops the bombshell about her pregnancy and turns down his proposal, and Belial correctly guesses that it’s Axis’ kid and that she’s In Love with him. He then quite understandably loses his rag. He points out that he loves her and they could have a good life together and there’s no future for her and Axis. He thinks angry thoughts about Axis, rhetorically asking himself “had the man no conscience? No self control?”. No and no. Not that he’s actually ever going to, y’know, suffer for any of that, because that would mean Axis SueSoar not getting everything he wants as and when he wants it, and we can’t have that.
Azhure tells Belial it would hurt Axis to know his kid was growing up without him.
I have an idea – what about fuck Axis and do what’s best for the kid by letting him have a father figure in his life? (Yes of course it’s a son). In fact, knowing what a complete and total asshole the kid is going to grow up to be, perhaps it’s thanks to having been raised by fucking Axis.
(Yes of course Axis and Azhure are going to end up together. Was that ever in any doubt? And they’re both going to be absolutely horrible parents. Azhure especially.)
Belial is highly unamused to hear that Axis got her pregnant when they only slept together once and says if that’s all he needs he should have bastard children all over the place. Because Axis is a horndog. Apparently this is supposed to be a likeable and/or admirable trait. Though of course if Axis was a woman, it would be anything but admirable and he’d probably be an (acknowledged) villain or otherwise treated as worthless by the narrative. Because like hell this is a "feminist" series.
Belial asks if she would have married him if she wasn’t pregnant and she immediately says yes. So it looks like good old Axis has just ruined his alleged best friend’s life, and Azhure’s as well. My hero.
Azhure returns to Rivkah in tears, and Rivkah, who has already guessed that she’s pregnant, thinks about how “Azhure had wanted to walk away from the inevitable pain of Axis”, which I don’t think could possibly have been phrased any more clunkily, and how Axis isn’t going to let his kid go and especially not if it’s an Enchanter.
She also wonders why none of Axis’ other lovers ever got pregnant. But then she reveals to the reader that apparently male Enchanters have trouble getting women pregnant (probably all that inbreeding), and once they have managed to impregnate some woman they don’t want to let her or the kid go. And this is supposedly why StarDrifter was so taken with Rivkah – because he got her pregnant (on the day they met).
Now, Azhure’s “simple fecundity” means that Axis is going to “hunt her down” (not if he doesn’t know it’s his kid, genius).
Well that’s not creepy at all. And once again we see that men are just helpless puppets who are led around by their dicks. It’s the Dragon Temple Saga all over again, I swear. And ladies? You can turn him down all you like but he’s just going to chase you all over the country until you take him back, but that’s okay – if he stalks you that just means he looooves you.
