Enchanter Sporking: Part Twenty-One

The next scene opens with Axis and his army moving out from Sigholt. Cue boring description of what route they’re taking, and then Axis pats himself on the back for having such a huge army – apparently the original three thousand guys consisting of the AW plus Margarita’s traitors has now grown to “almost seventeen thousand” people. We also get a bunch of description of that, including the non-combatants brought along because they have other useful skills, ie. cooks, doctors, servants and whores. Well, at least unlike Nasuada Axis isn’t carting along a load of completely useless dependents. Those stayed behind in Sigholt.

Oh joy – Ogden, Veremund and Jackass are coming along too. So is Raum, riding in a wagon and sick as hell. Apparently he’s turning into a Horned One and somehow it’s connected with Faraday, so he’s desperate to get to her. His head and face are now hideously deformed, but we’re assured that his eyes “still glisten[ed] black and friendly”, so we know he’s still a good guy. Because when you look horrifying, that means you’re eeevil unless the author makes a point of saying otherwise.

Now we get – sigh – yet another long travel sequence. And – oh, this is a laugh – the Ravensbundmen are able to move “silently”… even though they’re all festooned with “bells and chimes”. I really wish someone had told the author to read that again more slowly, because good grief. I mean really – if the Ravensbund make a point of moving silently, why the fuck do they have all these bells? You know, accessories specifically designed to make noise? What’s even the point – to show off?

Moving right along, before leaving Axis apparently spent a lot of time putting enchantments on Sigholt so now the place is shrouded by “blue mist”. In case you care these required “various Songs of Moisture and Muddlement”, so now anyone the bridge doesn’t know will get hopelessly lost in the mist. So basically it’s the Concealment Charm from Harry Potter, except a lot dumber. And might I add, a lot of the spells in Harry Potter were supposed to sound goofy, whereas we’re expected to take this 100% seriously.

Also, holy order of information, Batman! Shouldn’t we have seen this before all the description of Axis and Co. riding around on needlessly described horses and whatnot?

Either way Axis is glad to be on the move and thinks about how he’s got six months to seize the throne or else.

Or else what?

Or else FreeFall doesn’t get brought back to life.

I still don’t give a fuck about that guy. He's even more irrelevant to the plot than Zarq's buddy KZ and just as underdeveloped.

Sigh – anyway, Axis’ first target is Earl Burdel, or as I’m going to call him, Early Birdel. Supposedly he’s been “burning and murdering in Borneheld’s name for months”, and now it’s time to stop him. Yeah, the guy we’ve never met who’s killing people we know nothing about. I know I’m definitely invested.

The next chapter, fittingly enough, is called “Bad News”. But since said bad news is being delivered to Borneheld, this is of course a good thing.

He’s “appalled”, as a soldier tells him a large army has been spotted marching on Skarabost (the place where Early Birdel is hanging out). I actually like the name Skarabost. It reminds me of Skara Brae, a real life ancient Celtic settlement which also made appearances in the Ultima games. I’m wondering if that was intentional. The author sucks ass at character names, but most of her place names are quite nice and sound realistic, so points awarded there.

Supposedly this army “moved with ghostly silence” (how?), and was led by “a golden-haired man on a grey horse”. Yes, just keep pounding it in that Axis is Awesome and has Special Hair. It hasn’t gotten nearly boringly repetitive enough yet.

On finding out that the Ravensbund are with Axis and that this report is two weeks old, Borneheld flies into a rage – this being his default state, as you’ll have noticed. But of course, when Axis flies into a rage every five minutes, that’s okay. Because Axis’ temper tantrums are Righteous Fury, while Bornheld’s completely identical dummyspits are a sign of how unstable and dangerous he is.

I love the smell of double standards in the morning.

We’re informed that Borneheld now trusts nobody but Gilbert and Gautier and keeps muttering about treachery. This is an entirely sane reaction considering that pretty much everyone has betrayed him, but I really doubt we’re supposed to see it that way. Instead he’s probably just supposed to come off as “paranoid”.

It’s not paranoia when people actually are out to get you, you know. Then it’s just common sense.

Predictably Jorge, one of his other offsiders, is now thinking about how he really really wants to join the long list of people who have stabbed Borneheld in the back and run off to join Axis. But he’s staying because he thinks the guy needs a voice of sanity and isn’t convinced that Axis would be a better King because – holy shit, he’s having trouble getting over his lifelong prejudices against the Forbidden!

Wow. Someone finally has a sane reaction to this prophecy bullshit. Jorge just earned my eternal respect. Let’s see how long he manages to keep it.

Borneheld declares that they should go after Axis, but both Gautier and Jorge tell him that’s a terrible idea because Skarabost is a big place and Axis has two weeks on them, so they’d waste a lot of time trying to find him and his army. Yeah, an army of seventeen thousand people would be super hard to spot, guys. Total needle in a haystack situation.

(I kid, I kid. I’m aware that entire armies could and frequently did miss each other back in the day. I’m just really unused to this book having any realism or common sense, so I kind of just keep having a knee-jerk “that’s dumb” reaction to everything).

Gautier points out that Early Birdel has a force of six thousand and should be able to badly damage Axis’ forces and possibly trap them in the mountains as well. But of course that's not going to happen, because then Axis would, y'know, suffer an actual setback and be less than perfect, and we can't have that.

Axis- oh wow, I just typed Axis instead of Borneheld. Silly me; it’s almost as if the two characters are completely interchangable half the time. The only real difference is Borneheld doesn’t get any Sue praise from the author or other characters. Or indeed, any praise or recognition at all. Poor guy. In a better book he’d be the protagonist and Axis would be recognised as the huge asshole he is and be designated as the villain.

Anyway, so Borneheld insists that they go in to back up Early Birdel, but is again advised against it. He asks what they’ll do if Big Birdel can’t stop Axis, and Gautier points out that there are two other Barons he’ll also have to get past. Borneheld isn’t buying it, though. He adds that they have no idea which way Axis is headed, and Gautier says that he’s obviously going to Carlon.

Gilbert freaks out, because that’s where the Fantasy Vatican is, and there’s only one cohort of the AW to protect it who, he correctly guesses, will instantly side with Axis because that's what everybody does. Borneheld is equally moritified that Axis would be that “daring”.

They talk some more about how Axis will have to pass through several different provinces to get there, and that if he gets to Carlon and seizes it, Borneheld loses. Jorge advises him to go there and secure it rather than waste time screwing around in Skarabost. Borneheld is all like “but then I’ll lose the whole of the east to that asshole!”

No-one has the stones to tell him he’s in a really weak position and is likely to end up losing all but “a tiny proportion of his kingdom”. Poor bastard. His advisors are all extremely unhappy too, and finally Gilbert speaks up and says he agrees with the other two – if they lose the capital they lose the Fantasy Vatican, and then they’re really fucked.

Borneheld thinks that he’s right, and then feels actual guilt about being complicit in King Priam’s murder. Between that and the nightmares he’s clearly been having, I have a feeling this guy actually has a, y’know, conscience. Unlike certain other characters I could mention.

After more dialogue which for once isn’t too insufferable because there aren’t endless cutaways to people thinking about how Awesome the main POV character is, Borneheld makes up his mind to go to Carlon.
End chapter.

The next one has one of the dumbest titles I’ve ever seen, which after Breaking Dawn is saying a lot. It’s “Contemplations of a Rag Doll”. Seriously. And I remember this one from last time I read this book. It’s the one where Axis pretends to have a conscience again, despite this not changing his behaviour in the slightest. Oh goodie.

Now you might be wondering why I'm calling Axis' "guilt" a pretence while accepting Borneheld's remorse as real. Well, it's because Borneheld is in a position where he really can't do anything much about his misdeeds. It's too late to not murder Priam. Axis, however, has plenty of opportunity to do something to fix his own misdeeds. He's just not going to do anything about it whatsoever other than keep lying, denying and making excuses. And that's another important difference - Borneheld isn't in denial about the fact that he did something wrong, while Axis is so deep in denial the Egyptian crocodile god Sobek is currently swimming right up his ass.

First up we get some description of military matters, which I’m going to skip over, and then Axis gets to see what Early Birdel has been up to. It’s the usual Villain Was Here business – lots of villages burned down, dead bodies left to rot. The author blandly informs us that “It was sickening”. Yeah, I gotta say I’m really not feeling it, guys.

Even the author doesn’t seem to care all that much, as we immediately move on to – what else? – even more Axis praise! Blah blah blah, everyone respects him, and he’s allegedly “grown immeasurably in assurance and authority”. Predictably we’ve seen no evidence whatsoever of this. Roran-like, he just does whatever he wants and the “good guys” automatically go along with it because the author says so.

Oh, but he totally looks cool and impressive, as we get descriptions of his “stunning red cloak” and how he “look[s] like a King”, so on and so forth. Because as usual, it’s all about how things look rather than anything of actual substance.


Anyway, along the way Axis buries the dead people and helps rebuild the villages, and he gets Rivkah to talk to the locals about how awesome the Icarii are, and if Axis thinks it’s working well he brings in some “less intimidating” Icarii to talk to them.

Wait, it just occurred to me – why does everyone speak the same language? These two cultures have been completely separated for thousands of years! And yet they have no problem communicating with each other at all? Really?

Anyway, people are intimidated by the Icarii but the kids usually want to go over and touch them, and people slowly and haltingly start to accept them.

Why the fuck are we getting the softly softly approach from the “good guys” NOW? And now, well past the halfway point of the trilogy, suddenly people don’t instantly get over their prejudices? Apparently so, because we get a big block of text about how Axis is fighting an uphill battle getting people to accept that they were wrong all this time and so on. It’s a bit late to be introducing realism now, isn’t it?

Wow, look at me whining over here. I bitch when I don’t get it, and I bitch when I do get it. There’s just no pleasing some people, is there? But with that said, this sudden introduction of realistic group psychology just makes all the previous examples of people instantly getting over lifelong beliefs/prejudices look even dumber than they already were. And as you'll see, it isn't going to be consistently applied from hereon out anyway. Maybe the editor woke up for a few chapters.

We move on from that to some decriptions of camping under the stars, and how Axis sings and plays his harp every night, and now he’s even better at singing and everyone wants to enjoy the privilege of listening to him and Azhure loooves him so much, etc. Yeah, yeah, Axis is Awesome, can we move along now? Also I love how the author gives him an "artistic" side, apparently in the hopes that this will make him look sweet and sensitive instead of a huge uber-macho jackass who just happens to play the harp occasionally.


Eventually Beltide comes around, and this time they have to celebrate it on the road. They invite the locals to join in. Yeah, I’m sure watching your incest-ridden orgy will be just the thing to bring them around, Axis. Good show!

Fortunately we don’t get a repeat of last time around. Instead Axis and Azhure go off by themselves and take Caelum with them, and “recreate[d] the magic of that night a year ago”… when Axis raped Azhure, and it was just so romantic you guys. Yet again Axis feels “close [snip] to the Star Dance as he moved deep and certain within her body”. And that has to be one of the weirder euphemisms for sex I’ve ever come across.

Cut to Azhure’s POV, and apparently what Axis doesn’t realise is that she can “hear and feel the Star Dance too”, and that’s why she couldn’t “resist him” when he came back to Sigholt and why she finds it “impossible” to just walk away from him, and will do anything “no matter how demeaning” if it means she gets to keep screwing him.

Wow, that’s not sending up any red flags at all, is it? And if you just guessed that OMG AZHURE IS AN ENCHANTER TOO, congratulations – you just won the first annual “No, Duh” Award For Spotting Painfully Obvious Upcoming Plot Points. I’m looking at you right now, snarkbotanya.
The syrupy, painfully saccarine “romantic” prose continues as Azhure loses herself in this “Dance” thing which hasn’t really been explained in any meaningful way, and when they look into each others’ eyes they’re full of stars, and they just lose each other in those star-filled eyes, and no I did not make any of that up. Oh my GODS this is so corny. This is bad anime levels of cheese.
Naturally, this being the most dramatically appropriate time for it, we’re informed that this night they conceive their second and third children, in other words twins. And this time the prophet, who’s still creepily watching them “did not laugh at all”.

This guy is officially a Peeping Tom.

Cut to a few weeks later, and Axis is on his horse and checking out a “sprawling manor house” somewhere in Skarabost, which he’s come especially to see.

It’s Faraday’s childhood home.

Hoo boy.

Axis approaches the house by himself and meets a young woman who looks a lot like Faraday. This turns out to be Annwin, Faraday’s older sister (and this brings back my earlier complaints about how Faraday could be such a wealthy heiress when she has older sisters. Who are married, might I add).

She welcomes him politely, and Axis asks if her father is at home while thinking how odd that they’re treating this like a social visit, mentally adding “Please, madam, ignore my army. I take it everywhere.”, a line that’s this close to actually being funny. Except that he kind of does take his army everywhere with him, so… lol?

Annwin invites him inside, saying her father’s not at home but at the capital with Faraday, and Axis is glad because the guy is a “simpering fop” who arranged Faraday’s marriage to Borneheld “with no thought but his own gain”.
Yeah, because nobody in Ye Medieval Times ever arranged a marriage for one of their daughters with any sort of personal gain in mind. That monster.

Annwin asks if Axis knows Faraday, and he talks about how he was her escort for a while before accidentally losing her. Naturally he makes no reference at all to the fact that he intentionally set out to seduce a naive teenage girl while he had her in his power. Experienced sexual predators are experts at playing the innocent, which is how they keep getting away with it. That and other people are often amazingly good at turning a blind eye.


Annwin turns cold, pointing out that he’s an incompetent boob who nearly got Faraday killed, and that Faraday is a “precious gem” who everybody loves, but Axis just gets himself off the hook by pulling the prophecy card.

Yes, that’s right, Axis, just keep telling yourself that. Nothing is ever your fault or responsibility. It’s all just the stupid prophecy. Whatever helps you sleep at night, asshole.

Annwin continues to work her way into my heart by pointing out that Gherkinfort was betrayed from within – by Axis. Axis lies that no-one betrayed Gherkinfort and that “We simply went our different ways once we had escaped.” Nope, no backstabbing involved at all!

Nice try, Pinocchio.

Annwin adds that Axis went to the Forbidden, whereupon Axis pompously blathers on about how he’s the StarMan and Prophecy this and Prophecy that. Fortunately Annwin is as unimpressed as I am and calls the stupid prophecy “child’s lies”.
But when Axis answers that Faraday is also part of said prophecy… Annwin is suddenly on his side. This might seem like an awfully quick change of tune, but it makes a lot more sense when you know this is a Mary Sue story, and in such stories no-one “good” can stay angry with Mary Sue for more than maybe a page or two, if that.

She says Faraday is unhappily married to Borneheld and asks if Axis can “free her” from him. Because Faraday, despite having MAGICAL POWERS, is completely incapable of freeing herself. Because she’s a woman.

Axis tells another whopper when he claims that he’s going to marry Faraday, while silently asking the “Stars” to forgive him for lying (I really doubt a load of flaming balls of gas give a shit what you do, bro). He then asks if he can see Faraday’s room, which isn’t creepy at all. I really hope he isn’t going to start going through her underwear, but given his track record I would not be at all surprised.

Axis sits in Faraday’s room by himself where for some reason he’s able to think about her “without the deep guilt over his betrayal of her love making her shove all thought to her to one side”.

What guilt?

He hums the magic song that shows you the past, and spies on a bunch of Faraday’s childhood memories. This is also not creepy in the slightest, cough. He asks himself some rhetorical questions about whether his love for Azhure undermines his love for Faraday, or whether he’s in love with both of them and maybe he can be in a relationship with both women at once. He then says aloud that he never told Faraday he loved her, so maybe it’s all her fault somehow. He makes further excuses to himself, such as that it wasn’t his fault she ran off and married Borneheld and he wasn’t going to spend the rest of his life living like a monk, all while sitting on “Faraday’s virginal bed”.

How the fuck can a bed be “virginal”? Pun not intended.

Either way, witness our hero’s ongoing display of rationalising and dishonesty. Isn’t he just so loveable?

Finally he spots an old rag doll lying on the floor and thinks about how it’s like Faraday, used by a lot of different people and then discarded. Huh, and I thought beloved old rag dolls usually just had one owner. I know I owned a beloved rag doll as a kid, and I was definitely not prepared to let anyone else play with her. (Which is probably why I still have her to this day, more or less in one piece).

Axis keeps talking to himself, correctly calling himself a bastard and pointing out that he can’t justify having betrayed Faraday.

Lest you start to like or respect him at this point, he then tells himself that he refuses to ditch Azhure and that “He loved them both, in totally different ways, and he would have both. And both would have to learn to accept it”.

Yup, you read it right, guys. He seriously thinks he can just be in a relationship with both of them, and both of them will just have to put up and shut up. Because as usual, it’s all about him.

He then angsts about his “conscience” and how he has enough on his plate without “a wounded conscience to cope with as well”. What fucking conscience? He’s a cheating asshole who thinks one-sided polygamy is the solution to breaking an innocent girl’s heart, and he’s prepared to inflict that on Azhure as well! Does he seriously think either of them would accept this non-solution of his? One which, might I add, takes his wants and needs into account while completely disregarding theirs?

Go die in a trash fire, Axis.