Enchanter Sporking: Part Twenty-Five

The next chapter is still with Axis, unfortunately. It’s now a month later and he’s approaching Carlon, which apparently has “pink walls and [snip] silver and gold rooftops”, which are “like a fairytale backdrop”.

Okay, hold the damn phone. Fairytale? They have fairytales now? Or did the author just slip into omniscient mode again? Because come on. And the roofs are gold and silver? And PINK walls? How is that even possible? And did no-one realise how tacky that sounds?


Belial and Margarita are with Axis, who thinks about how it still bothers him that Margarita might be sleeping with his mum. Azhure is also there, “as beautiful in her weapons and mail as she was naked in his blankets”. I’m sure. But boohoo, she’s refused to sleep with him for the last month and is now giving him the dreaded Silent Treatment. Axis “burn[s] for her” and is going “mad” with obsession because “no woman he had wanted before had denied him like this”.

Yeah, I don’t believe you, Axis. Also you are a massive creep.

Anyway, Axis’ army is now facing Borneheld’s for the final confrontation. But first a parley. Which Axis hopes won’t work because screw diplomacy, he wants an excuse to kill Borneheld. Charming guy.

Azhure watches Axis ride off to meet up with Borneheld, and Rivkah asks if she’s told Axis about pregnancy number two. Azhure says no, and Rivkah wonders what Axis is going to do about this ridiculous love triangle we’ve got going on. Oh, just about the worst thing possible, Rivkah – you’ll see.

Cut back to Axis, who’s thinking about how this meeting is just to formally announce that the treaty which shouldn’t have happened no longer applies, and “Finally Axis and Borneheld’s bitter feud would reach its bloody conclusion.”

This could have been a moment which carried a lot of dramatic weight, but the problem is – as I explained before – the rivalry between these two characters was never properly established, and a lot of it didn’t even make any sense. Borneheld being jealous of his lowly illegitimate half brother is absolute nonsense, and besides which, none of the stuff he’s jealous about makes any damn sense. Axis doesn’t have any “charm”, and there’s never been any justification as to why women find him so irresistable, because as we’ve seen over and over again, he treats women like shit and is abusive and dishonest in every romantic relationship we’ve seen him in so far. And the legendary reputation as a commander? That was just as nonsensical as the Fantasy Casanova business. We’ve never seen any evidence that Axis is a great commander, or even a good soldier. Borneheld is the only one we see usuing actual strategy on the battlefield. Not Axis.

So this whole thing is just stupid and meaningless.

Anyway, so the two chuckleheads meet up at last. Cue descriptions of what they’re wearing. Axis is in his usual red and gold, and for once Borneheld is actually dressed up – he’s wearing “a regal golden circlet” and “gleaming bronzed WarLord’s armour”. I’m picturing something out of World of Warcraft.

Axis wonders what could have happened if either he or Borneheld had not been born, and as always takes the opportunity to be a smug asshole as he thinks about how Borneheld is “full of doubts” because of “the golden rivalry of his brother”.
Yes, please pat yourself on the back some more, Axis. It’s not the least bit obnoxious.

Then they start talking. Borneheld sneers at Axis, and Axis sneers back and lies that he’s offering Borneheld another chance to “fight under my command”.

Yes. Under his command. Not as an ally. As far as he’s concerned, Borneheld is only of any use whatsoever if he’s Axis’ bitch.

Because as always, Axis has to be the lord and master of the entire universe. Nothing less could possibly be good enough for his Suetastic, egomanical ass.

Naturally Borneheld tells him to go fuck himself. As anyone would in this situation. How did the author not realise how unbelievably arrogant Axis is being here? Did she seriously think anyone would admire this sort of behaviour? Because fucking HELL.

Of course Axis responds with even more overweening arrogance, threatening to “complete your humiliation”. Fuck you, Axis.

Cut to Borneheld’s POV, and we learn that being betrayed by Griff and Greville has driven him “close to despair”, and he feels abandoned by this god and has been suffering worse and worse nightmares about the Gatekeeper, and how his conscience is driving him mad.

I believe him. This right here is a guy who actually believes in what he’s doing. As opposed to Axis, who just thinks he’s entitled to power and prestige because he’s so inherently superior to everyone else.

Axis sneers at him that “every one at my back loves me, Borneheld, and loves my cause” (only because the author’s making them, Axis), and mocks him for having to hire mercenaries. Borneheld shoots back that actually he’s allied himself with the Corolean Emperor and ships full of reinforcements are arriving by the hour.

Cut back to Axis, who thinks that if he can’t defeat Borneheld fast this is gonna draw out for months, plus he has to do the bullshit thing with FreeFall and he’s all worried about Gorgrael. Uh-huh. He wonders what the hell Borneheld offered the Emperor in exchange for his help, and Borneheld says Nor, and then tries to end the conversation.

Axis tells him to hold up because he has someone with him who wants to talk to him.

It’s Rivkah who, Axis says, “wants to see you once more before you die”.

Just keep rubbing it in what an asshole you are, Axis.

Rivkah comes over and Borneheld is shocked to recognise her, and thinks that his memory of her is precious to him. But Rivkah is in frostybitch mode too, and snarls at him that he murdered her brother. He answers that she abandoned him “to a cruel and heartless childhood” and asks how she could have done that to him.

Does he get any sympathy from her? Of course not. Instead Rivkah flat-out tells him that she never loved him. Nope, not even when he was an innocent baby.

Wow, Rivkah. You are a bitch.

Borneheld says well in that case she shouldn’t be surprised that he’s grown up to be what he is today, adding that he’s not the one who ran away and left him to “grow unrestrained and unloved”. Rivkah responds with a melodramatic display of self-pity as she goes on and on about how she was abandoned in the wilderness and she was “desperate and bleeding” and blah blah. I see where Axis got his obsession with making everything about himself from.

…And now Rivkah is officially a horrible person as well. That just leaves us with Faraday and Borneheld as the only characters in this trilogy I don’t want to shove headfirst into a woodchipper.

Borneheld is quite believably distraught at the repeated claim that Jayme was responsible for the attempted murder of his mother, and Axis suggests that maybe they’ll decide to do him in next.

See, this is something that should have happened at their last meeting, when it might have been of some actual use. Instead of which they’re clearly just doing this to fuck around with Borneheld and make him even more miserable than he already his.

These people are completely vile. I don’t have any better word for it. They’re just vile.

As you would expect Borneheld snarls at Axis that it’s SO on now, and then rides off in a rage. Jorge steps forward to greet Rivkah politely, and asks after his friend Roland. Axis, seeing that he is obviously a Good Guy (because he likes and is nice to the “correct” people), invites him to join the Side of the Sue, calling Borneheld “mad” and “a murderer”. As opposed to Axis, in whose mouth butter would not melt. Nope, he hasn’t murdered anyone, and he definitely isn’t delusional or sociopathic either. *cough*

Jorge thinks about his family, and Axis reads his mind and says oh, they’re being held hostage by the eeevil Borneheld. In a moment of all too rare realism, Jorge doesn’t run off to join the traitors and they part with a few words of regret. End chapter.

The next chapter opens with Borneheld being schmoozed at by Jayme, who insists that Axis is a liar who used magic to fake the whole thing. Hilariously, a cut to Jayme’s POV has him internally raging about how Borneheld has “succumbed to an attack of conscience” and what the hell is he doing developing a conscience at his age.

Because Borneheld… didn’t have a conscience before? I beg to fucking differ.

And way to make Jayme look like even more of a cardboard cutout eeeevil villain than he already was. I mean come on. He’s acting like a freaking cartoon character right now. Early Disney villains were more subtle than this.

Moryson (aka WolfStar) steps in with further reassurances and makes a little speech about how the country is now in its darkest hour and how they need Borneheld’s brave leadership to see them through it. Which personally I find ten times more inspiring than a single one of the bullshit lectures about how Awesome and Wonderful and Special Axis is. Even though it’s being given by WolfStar, who is an obvious con artist.

Borneheld suddenly feels very relaxed – no doubt because WolfStar just used magic on him – and thinks about how Axis is “evil to the core” (correct). Then Gautier steps in with a plan for tomorrow, and the scene ends just as he starts to explain it.

Now we go to Faraday, who’s hanging out with Yr again. Yr says she can sense Jackass, Ogden and Veremund, and soon they’ll be together again. But they still don’t have Zara, and without her “the Prophecy will undoubtedly fail”. This constant hand-wringing over a character I don’t know or care about still isn’t doing jack shit to build any suspense.

Faraday has no reaction to this and instead worries about Axis, remembering how he hesitated when she asked him if he still loved her, and only said he desired, aka lusted for, her, which she correctly thinks is not the same thing because Borneheld desired her and that didn’t make anyone happy. Instead what she wants is to be loved, and we know damn well she’s not getting that from Axis, because that guy is not capable of loving anyone other than himself.

She says she thought he loved her, and Yr points out that it’s been a long time and they’ve both become different people. She adds that they just need time to get to know each other again, and Faraday is comforted and thinks that she’s right, and she and Axis can “learn to relove each other”. And “relove” is not a word. I checked.

And Axis’ stupid self-serving plan of just being with both women at once now looks even more idiotic, heartless and selfish than it already did.

Cut to Timozel, who you’ll have noticed has basically disappeared in this book. He’s been left to guard Faraday again and he’s pissed. He’s wearing a “dark cloak” because he is evil now. He says aloud that Borneheld will lose if he doesn’t let him fight. He’s going to lose anyway, Timozel. Rule number one of being in a Mary Sue story is don’t even think about disagreeing with or trying to fight the Sue. It doesn’t matter how many advantages you have – you will lose horribly.

Cut to Axis, who as usual isn’t suffering in any meaningful way shape or form. Indeed, he’s having a lovely time playing with the Sue Baby. Sue Baby is at the crawling stage and has started talking. Sue Baby “adorably” calls Axis “papa” and then laughs adorably while being tickled.

Might I add, we’ve never so much as seen the little brat cry, or need a change of nappies. As usual he’s just a cute accessory for Mummy and Daddy Sue to drag around with them.

Axis asks Azhure if she still wants to stay with him, and she says yes. Then the Sue Baby calls her “Azhure”, and telepathically adds “I will never forget your name”.

See? This still isn’t a real kid. It’s a fucking doll.

Axis asks why Azhure would worry that Caelum would forget her name, and Caelum talks to him as well, and he sounds like he’s fucking thirty years old. He goes on about how Azhure doesn’t remember her own mother’s name and is afraid of also being forgotten, and he does it in as much flowery pretentious language as possible.

Remember, this kid isn’t even old enough to walk yet, or speak (aloud) in complete sentences, and yet he’s somehow capable of doing this.

ERROR: LOGIC NOT FOUND. ABORT/RETRY/FAIL.

(Fail. It’s definitely Fail).

Azhure then makes a little speech of her own about how Axis and Faraday will “live into legend” and so will Caelum but Azhure is going ot be ultimately forgotten, wah wah. Axis yells that no way is he gonna forget her, but Azhure just says that she won’t be sharing a future with him or Caelum.

Caelum asks who the hell Faraday is, and Azhure continues with the self-pity, saying how Faraday will totally accept her because she’ll likely outlive Azhure by hundreds of years. So apparently Azhure is also choosing to go with denial and self-delusion, and is using it as an excuse for even more whining and self-pity.


Fortunately the melodrama is interrupted by Belial, who shows up saying Demi Moore and FarSight want to talk to Axis. He invites Azhure along as well but she says no and they part ways promising to sort it out later.

That’s the thing with people who are privately determined to resist changing their ways at all costs – they always have a “later”. A “later” which one way or another winds up turning into “never”.

Cut to the Corolean ships for a little conversation between one of the captains and his first mate, who we’ve never seen before. They exchange some trite dialogue, and then the omniscient narrator shows up and tells them there’s “more in the dark of the night at their backs than they had bargained for”.

The chapter ends on this note, but I think we can safely say that Borneheld will not be getting his reinforcements now. Because while luck always favours the Sue, it never favours the other guy.

See you next time, when a completely boring battle will ensue which Axis will win at no personal cost! You know, again.