The next chapter finally returns to Timozel, who we haven’t seen in a while. He’s sitting at a dinner table with some other people, having some acid flashbacks. He sees himself riding on some sort of winged mount (it had better not be Saphira), commanding an army which “undualted for leagues in every direction”. How exactly does an army undulate anyway? Either way he sees a bunch of amazing victories and at one point mumbles “Yes” out loud, which makes Borneheld glare at him.
Yeah, Timozel’s officially losing his marbles. I think it’s about time Borneheld provided him with a nice safe padded cell to sleep it off in. And I’m only half kidding – the guy is so obviously cracking up that keeping him around (and armed) is just asking for trouble.
Anyway, Timozel eventually snaps out of it in time to see Borneheld yelling at Faraday. He’s pissed because after five months of marriage she still isn’t pregnant. A lazy POV jump takes us to Faraday, who’s thinking about how the Mother has “bless[ed] her with barrenness” so Borneheld’s eeevil line will end “in her empty womb”. She just sits there like an asshole, which of course makes him even more annoyed, and we’re informed that now “she [can] barely keep her distaste for the man safely hidden” and doesn’t even pretend to love him or enjoy sleeping with him.
Cut back to Borneheld, who has “realised her feelings for Axis” (gosh, I wonder what tipped him off? Maybe it was the bit where they openly made out in front of him). But he’s like “I can put up with that as long as I get a kid out of her”. Which is funny, because in the last book he was all happy about her loving him and not Axis and there was this huge big massive deal made about how he couldn’t under any circumstances be allowed to realise she has the hots for Axis instead. But none of that matters any more now, apparently. At least that means I won’t have to listen to any more bullshit about her “daily saving Axis from death”.
Anyway, since losing his home Borneheld is constantly cranky, which is somehow surprising, and he keeps taking it out on Faraday who quite frankly deserves it for being a dishonest, manipulative, cold-hearted little bitch. But of course we’re just supposed to feel sorry for her.
Blah blah, Borneheld is currently staying at the Tired Seagull (and that name is just as hilarious as it was in the last book), and Ho’Demi is there too. Or, as I’m going to call him from now on, Demi Moore. Demi for short. He smiles at Faraday and has “sympathy and respect in his dark eyes”, so we all know he’s a Good Guy. And he apparently also has an “aristocratic bearing” somehow, so I guess that makes him our token Noble Savage for the evening.
Blah blah, infodumping about the Ravensbund and their special tribal tattoos I don't care about. Demi Moore is apparently very interested in Faraday because he somehow just “knows” she’s one of the Prophecy’s Mary Sues. He wonders why she’s being such a wimp when she’s “prophecy born”.
I hate that. I hate it when somebody’s just “born special” for some bullshit Magic reason and then everybody Good treats them like the sun shines out of their posteriers no matter how utterly useless, stupid or malicious they are in practise. As far as I’m concerned, respect is something you should have to earn.
Anyway, now it’s time for further infodumping about Timozel, who is now Borneheld’s bitch through and through and giving Faraday zero sympathy. He hasn’t told her about his visions and is allegedly a “dark, brooding, frightening man”, something the author couldn’t be bothered to show us. As you would expect by this point.
Cut to Yr for a blatant example of author backpeddaling, as Yr thinks about maybe the whole forcing Faraday to marry Borneheld thing might have been a big mistake, and wonders “Why did we find it so necessary for the Prophecy that we force her into this boorish man’s bed?” . Why the fuck are you wondering about that now, Yr? Because in the last book you were 100% doubt free about the matter. Now you change your mind and entertain “bitter” thoughts about how you thought it would keep Axis alive?
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I think (and there’s plenty of evidence to back it up) that the author had second thoughts about a lot of what she put in the first book. For one thing the Faraday/Axis romance is swiftly got rid of in this book when in the last one it was obviously intended to be the main romantic subplot of the trilogy. But the author clearly became besotted with Azhure and wanted her to be the love interest instead, hence why Faraday has so far barely been in the book and why Axis seems to have largely forgotten about her in spite of all the declarations of undying devotion we were forced to endure last time around.
And, too, the “tragic” plot thing about Faraday having to marry Borneheld for the Prophecy’s sake has just been essentially discarded as a probable mistake on the part of the Sentinels, right out of nowhere. Like it doesn't even matter any more. Poor bloody woman.
Then there’s also the thing about the Skraelings suddenly becoming “silly” and incompetent. It’s like the author saw all the major complaints from critics, and then tried to handwave all the things they found annoying or stupidly contrived by pretending it was meant to be like that all along.
Nice try, bucko, but you’re not fooling me. Retconning everything isn’t going to make the last book not have happened.
Oh, and of course we’re informed that Faraday is a “darling girl, so full of sweetness and love”. Evidence, please (this is really starting to become my catchphrase, isn’t it? I should put it on a t-shirt).
Finally we learn that Yr dumped Timozel because his “tastes had become too dark” for her liking, whatever the hell that means. She hopes Axis will show up and rescue her and Faraday. Because of course, being women, they’re completely incapable of rescuing themselves.
The next scene sees us with the eeevil Brother Gilbert (he has pimples, so you know he’s eeeevil). He’s trying to gain entrance to see Borneheld and is having some trouble with a “dullard” guardsman. Because all guards in every crap fantasy novel are automatically stupid, thuggish, and generally slow on the uptake. (Seriously, can you name a single generic fantasy novel in which there was an intelligent, quick-witted guardsman? No, Discworld doesn’t count.).
The tedious “comedic” scene continues, and I’ll do you all a favour and skip over it. Demi Moore shows up, and Gilbert gives the “savage” his letter of introduction and is “comically” surprised to find out the guy knows how to read. Harhar, look at the stupid arrogant racist bad guy being upstaged by the Noble Savage (Axis’ earlier display of blatant racism, on the other hand, is just fine and dandy and doesn’t count). I bet the author thought she was being so very enlightened and progressive in this scene, too. And honestly, that’s pretty depressing.
Demi takes Gilbert to meet Borneheld, and along the way they bump into Faraday and hear Borneheld make a crude comment at her. Gilbert thinks that in the six months since he last saw Faraday, the “vibrant girl” has become“wearied by the sadness of the world”, whatever the hell that means. Just why this stupid self-absorbed jerk is expected to notice that sort of thing is beyond me. But if the author wants me to feel sorry for Faraday, it ain’t gonna happen.
Anyway, so then Gilbert looks at Borneheld and thinks about how noble and impressive he looks (this is to remind you that Gilbert is evil, because no Good Guy would ever admire the eeeevil Borneheld). Gilbert grovels to Borneheld and tells him they’ve heard the news about the clusterfuck at Gherkinfort and how Axis and Margarita are filthy rotten stinking traitors (correct).
He adds that it gets worse – now Priam, King of Afros, is also a fan of the stupid prophecy and is considering an alliance with Axis and the Forbidden (and if that sounds like the name of a swing band to you, too bad). Borneheld freaks and asks who knows about this. The answer is only a handful of people, and Gilbert says the Seneschal controls “the hearts and souls” of the people and are quite happy to use their spiritual power to back Borneheld. They are now advising him to go to the capital as soon as the situation here is in hand, and either get the King back on track, or get rid of him and take the throne.
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(I made this meme myself. Feel free to steal and reuse).
In the next scene Borneheld meets up with his remaining senior commanders including Demi Moore. They’ve got their guys digging canals to help them fend off the Skraelings. Borneheld is satisfied that everything is in order, and announces that he’s heading off to Carlon this afternoon on the pretext of getting Faraday some medical attention. The “Good Guys” present, ie. Roland and Demi Moore, who like the Sues and are therefore Good, argue that Borneheld should stay, but he won’t listen. Timozel says he should stay behind to command the troops, but is overruled – he’s coming to Carlon too. He’s not happy about it, but too bad.
The next chapter – oh joy -returns to Axis, who’s chatting with MorningStar. She tells him it’s sad about the divorce but it’s to be expected because for some reason whenever a SunSoar marries out of the family it ends badly.
No, really. They only ever have lasting marriages when they marry their cousins. Somehow this keeps their blood strong. As opposed to, y’know, ultimately destroying their genetic diversity, resulting in just some of the following:
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Can’t have any of the Special Shiny Angel people looking like this, after all.
MorningStar adds that RavenCrest’s wife, BrightFeather, isn’t a SunSoar and as a result while they respect each other “they share no passion”. By contrast her and her cousin/husband RushCloud “lived our lives among the stars” whatever the hell that means, and first hooked up at 13, just like FreeFall and EvenSong. Axis is “appalled” by both the incest and the age thing, as you would expect.
And then MorningStar hits on him.
No I’m not kidding. She asks him if he’s decided who he’s going to screw at Beltide and then asks if maybe it’ll be her. Or rather she says “Shall we let our blood sing together that night?”.
MorningStar? Shut the fuck up. Also, 1000 kinds of HELL NO. I mean good fuck.
Axis, of course, backs off in horror, and MorningStar “seductively” says it wouldn’t be the first time grandparent and grandkid got it on and it’s a pity his “Acharite reservation” means he’s not up for sleeping with his grandma.
Yeah.
Then she changes the subject as if nothing happened, saying StarDrifter and Rivkah couldn’t make it work because “StarDrifter’s blood constantly sings, looking for another whose blood sings back to him with the same Song”.
What.
Oh, but it’s okay about the incest because it’s “Unclean” (yes, it’s Capitalised For No Reason because Crap Fantasy) for brother and sister or parent and child to hook up. But “all else is freedom”. Look, author, if you have an incest fetish keep it to yourself. Because I don’t want to hear about it. Ever.
Axis says he’s going to marry Faraday, and MorningStar says well then you’re gonna have an unhappy marriage because Axis is always going to be looking for another SunSoar. She adds that maybe his kids will hook up with EvenSong’s kids.
Axis’ only reaction to this is as follows:
“Angry, Axis turned away”.
Yeah, he doesn’t have any actual thoughts about this horror show. He just gets angry and leaves, end scene.
Might I add, the obsession with incestuous relationships was something the author considered herself quite the daring auteur for putting in her books. This despite the fact that it has zero (realistic) consequences and adds nothing to the story. But she smugly patted herself on the back about it anyway, because of course she did. No really - here's a quote from an interview she gave in 2002:
(She and V.C.Andrews must be having a great time hanging out in the hereafter).
Side note - read the full interview to see her talk briefly about StarDrifter. Apparently author felt he had a lot of "potential". As what, the world's worst sentient being?
Anyway, cut to the next scene. Axis, Rivkah and everyone else is heading down the mountains for Beltide, and Rivkah is in a happy mood now she’s gotten rid of her horrible rapist deadbeat cheating scumbag husband. Blah blah, boring descriptions of the hike, and now we finally see Axis actually use his much vaunted new powers, as he keeps the paths dry, fends off dangerous high winds, keeps everyone warm, conjures “green and red and purple” fires at night, and… uh, conjures magical air mattresses for everyone to sleep on (no, really).
We then get some character and relationship development for Axis and Rivkah.
Oh wait, no we don’t. Instead the author just dictates that they chat about unspecified “likes and dislikes”, and how the evenings together are “wonderful”. I gotta say I’m really not feeling it. Then I start grinding my teeth as Ogden and Veremund provide more unfunny comic relief – every night they open their packs and magically pull out ridiculous stuff like “honeyed hams, crisp-roasted poultry [snip] fresh and dried fruits” and an entire paragraph of other elaborately described food, after which they “comically” accuse each other of being the one who packed it and then wonder where the napkins are. Har har, hardee-har-har. Go die in a fire.
There are few things more aggravating and painful than “comic relief” that isn’t funny, and this is literally all Ogden and Veremund do now they’ve finished serving their boring exposition function. In every scene they “comically” bicker with each other until you want to scream and beat the pair of them to death with a sack of pineapples. (I almost said “a sack of hedgehogs”, but I don’t want to sound like I’m advocating cruelty to animals. Cruelty to Sues, however, is fine by me).
Naturally Axis and co. find all this very amusing and endearing. It’s amazing how the other characters in a book/movie always seem to find the Odious Comic Relief so very charming while everyone with a brain wants them to suffer a horrible gory death.
Anyway, so after dinner Axis sings for everybody and of course he’s like the Best Singer Ever. And OMGs, Azhure has a terrible singing voice! She’s not a Sue after all! Thank goodness; I was starting to find her obnoxiously overpowered, unrealistically good at things and painfully over-praised by the narrator plus every other character and their dog. But now I know she sucks at singing and therefore Has A Flaw, she’s a well-rounded properly developed character at last. Hooray! Maybe next we’ll find out she’s also comically clumsy, just like Bella Swan!
Blah blah, they also tell stories, and Ogden and Veremund are “rascals”, apparently. Again - evidence, please.
Finally the author stops summarising and gives us a conversation between Azhure and Raum. She asks about the Horned Ones (that’s the guys with the stag heads we saw in the last book). She asks if they’re Avar, and Raum says yes – they were once Avar Banes, but only the dudes are allowed to transform into the Stag Heads and guard the Sacred Grove.
So… why can’t any of the women get deer heads as well? There are female Banes, after all, and last time I checked does were a thing.
Axis asks how the change happens, and Raum gives a copout non-answer about how there are some mysteries he won’t share, etc. Azhure asks why no women become Horned Ones, and he says nobody knows why, but they think female Banes do transform but nobody knows what they transform into or where they go. But the Avar prefer not to think too hard about that, apparently because they’re a load of incurious bastards. No wonder they’re still living in the Stone Age.
Then Axis tells everyone about the dream he had in the last book, where he met a Stag Head. And lest we forget, Stag Head was wearing briefs- uh, a “brief loincloth”. He also wangsts about the nightmares he used to have in which Gorgrael pretended to be his father and told him his mother died hating him. Rivkah is all “there there poor baby”, and then Axis – tactless as always – asks Azhure how she got those big scars on her back.
Azhure reacts with a massive freakout in which she starts hysterically yelling stuff like “Stay away!” and “I will not do it again!”, and thrashes around violently. Veremund manages to calm her down and then tells Axis to “withdraw the question” because “the memory is too much for her”.
Oh, YA THINK? What tipped you off, genius? Axis apologises for “causing you pain” and adds “I retrieve my words”, whatever the hell that means. Then he sings some song or other, and Azhure goes back to normal and is confused and doesn’t remember what she said. I think we’re supposed to infer that he used a spell to snap her out of it, but it’s not made very clear.
Veremund thinks that they have to find out about how she got those scars because it will “unlock some of Azhure’s secrets”, but he’s worried that if it’s done without the right precautions it could cost her her life or the life of the person who pushes her too hard.
Or you could just mind your own fucking business – have you thought of that, you arrogant creep? What gives you the right to go poking around other people’s private business, especially when it’s this obviously traumatic? Fuck you, Veremund. Fuck you with a rusty iron cactus.
But never mind about any of that! Our “heroes” arrive at Avarinheim and hear the Earth Tree singing its stupid protective magic song thingy. They stop and eat “roast partridge stuffed with breadcrumbs, cheese, raisins and almonds”, because that’s so very relevant (gods forbid our heroes have to eat travel rations like everyone else). Axis asks Raum how he bonded Faraday to the Mother, adding “There is so little I know about her”.
So… you just admitted to knowing almost nothing about the girl, yet you’re supposedly “In Love” to the point that you promised to marry her. What exactly is your relationship based on, then, Axis?
Oh, that’s right. You just want her because she’s unavailable and conventionally attractive. Not because she has an interesting personality or anything in common with you or anything silly like that. Nope, she’s just pretty and you want to fuck her by way of showing your dominance over Borneheld like the incredibly juvenile testosterone driven piece of shit you are. This guy is the worst charicature of over the top testoterone-driven pseudo-masculinity I've ever seen.
Anyway Raum infodumps for several pages about the lakes and how Faraday was initiated like a Bane, etc. and so forth. Azhure says she’s blessed, and Raum thinks about how wonderful and special Azhure is and how much he respects her. Didn’t we already go over this at least twice?
Finally Axis asks if Faraday has a role in the stupid prophecy other than being the Tree Friend, and that name is still moronic and childish. Veremund says yes but don’t you worry your pretty little head about that, Axis.
Cut back to Azhure’s POV, for more wangst! She thinks about how lucky Faraday is because she’s important and Azhure isn’t, and how she gets to have Axis while Azhure is “only a human woman, scarred in mind and body, doomed to drift without a true home or a lifetime lover”.
Azhure? Get the fuck over yourself. And author? Don’t make me laugh. Azhure has gotten far, far too much attention from the narrative and the other characters for any of this to be remotely believeable. And the scars on Azhure’s back? Yeah, don’t think for one second that we’re dumb enough not to be able to guess what that is.
I mean, for gods’ sakes. In order, Azhure:
And there’s no way she’s ever gonna get with Axis, you say? Hahah, it is to laugh.
Then, right the hell out of nowhere, we’re informed that “the pigs abandoned Sigholt five days before Beltide”.
Um, what? Pigs? Wait, Jackass is here now? Was he with them all along? What the fuck is going on??
What’s happened is we’ve just randomly cut back to Jackass in Sigholt, without so much as a line break or change of scene. Bra-vo, author and editor. *further sarcastic applause*
It now turns out that Jackass’ pigs have been with him for THREE THOUSAND YEARS. Riiight. And he’s always known that one day they’ll leave him in order to “seek the Blood”. Great, so now we’ve got yet another stupid contrived mysterious predestined thingy to annoy us.
We follow the pigs now, of all things, as they head off through HoldHard Pass and then – oh for fuck’s sake.
You’re really not going to believe this, but I swear it’s true. When Beltide arrives, the pigs shapeshift into something else. It’s not outright stated yet, but they turn into big scary hunting dogs, and then “lope” off to find someone or something.
Where did that come from?
Right the fuck out of nowhere, that’s where. Well I did tell you this series got more and more insane as it went along, and I am nothing if not brutally honest. At least now they’re not pigs any more I can stop fantacising about delicious crackly pork roasts.
Brace yourselves for the next installment, guys. It's only going to get even more offensive and stupid from hereon. It's also going to get more rapey. A lot more.
Yeah, Timozel’s officially losing his marbles. I think it’s about time Borneheld provided him with a nice safe padded cell to sleep it off in. And I’m only half kidding – the guy is so obviously cracking up that keeping him around (and armed) is just asking for trouble.
Anyway, Timozel eventually snaps out of it in time to see Borneheld yelling at Faraday. He’s pissed because after five months of marriage she still isn’t pregnant. A lazy POV jump takes us to Faraday, who’s thinking about how the Mother has “bless[ed] her with barrenness” so Borneheld’s eeevil line will end “in her empty womb”. She just sits there like an asshole, which of course makes him even more annoyed, and we’re informed that now “she [can] barely keep her distaste for the man safely hidden” and doesn’t even pretend to love him or enjoy sleeping with him.
Cut back to Borneheld, who has “realised her feelings for Axis” (gosh, I wonder what tipped him off? Maybe it was the bit where they openly made out in front of him). But he’s like “I can put up with that as long as I get a kid out of her”. Which is funny, because in the last book he was all happy about her loving him and not Axis and there was this huge big massive deal made about how he couldn’t under any circumstances be allowed to realise she has the hots for Axis instead. But none of that matters any more now, apparently. At least that means I won’t have to listen to any more bullshit about her “daily saving Axis from death”.
Anyway, since losing his home Borneheld is constantly cranky, which is somehow surprising, and he keeps taking it out on Faraday who quite frankly deserves it for being a dishonest, manipulative, cold-hearted little bitch. But of course we’re just supposed to feel sorry for her.
Blah blah, Borneheld is currently staying at the Tired Seagull (and that name is just as hilarious as it was in the last book), and Ho’Demi is there too. Or, as I’m going to call him from now on, Demi Moore. Demi for short. He smiles at Faraday and has “sympathy and respect in his dark eyes”, so we all know he’s a Good Guy. And he apparently also has an “aristocratic bearing” somehow, so I guess that makes him our token Noble Savage for the evening.
Blah blah, infodumping about the Ravensbund and their special tribal tattoos I don't care about. Demi Moore is apparently very interested in Faraday because he somehow just “knows” she’s one of the Prophecy’s Mary Sues. He wonders why she’s being such a wimp when she’s “prophecy born”.
I hate that. I hate it when somebody’s just “born special” for some bullshit Magic reason and then everybody Good treats them like the sun shines out of their posteriers no matter how utterly useless, stupid or malicious they are in practise. As far as I’m concerned, respect is something you should have to earn.
Anyway, now it’s time for further infodumping about Timozel, who is now Borneheld’s bitch through and through and giving Faraday zero sympathy. He hasn’t told her about his visions and is allegedly a “dark, brooding, frightening man”, something the author couldn’t be bothered to show us. As you would expect by this point.
Cut to Yr for a blatant example of author backpeddaling, as Yr thinks about maybe the whole forcing Faraday to marry Borneheld thing might have been a big mistake, and wonders “Why did we find it so necessary for the Prophecy that we force her into this boorish man’s bed?” . Why the fuck are you wondering about that now, Yr? Because in the last book you were 100% doubt free about the matter. Now you change your mind and entertain “bitter” thoughts about how you thought it would keep Axis alive?
I think (and there’s plenty of evidence to back it up) that the author had second thoughts about a lot of what she put in the first book. For one thing the Faraday/Axis romance is swiftly got rid of in this book when in the last one it was obviously intended to be the main romantic subplot of the trilogy. But the author clearly became besotted with Azhure and wanted her to be the love interest instead, hence why Faraday has so far barely been in the book and why Axis seems to have largely forgotten about her in spite of all the declarations of undying devotion we were forced to endure last time around.
And, too, the “tragic” plot thing about Faraday having to marry Borneheld for the Prophecy’s sake has just been essentially discarded as a probable mistake on the part of the Sentinels, right out of nowhere. Like it doesn't even matter any more. Poor bloody woman.
Then there’s also the thing about the Skraelings suddenly becoming “silly” and incompetent. It’s like the author saw all the major complaints from critics, and then tried to handwave all the things they found annoying or stupidly contrived by pretending it was meant to be like that all along.
Nice try, bucko, but you’re not fooling me. Retconning everything isn’t going to make the last book not have happened.
Oh, and of course we’re informed that Faraday is a “darling girl, so full of sweetness and love”. Evidence, please (this is really starting to become my catchphrase, isn’t it? I should put it on a t-shirt).
Finally we learn that Yr dumped Timozel because his “tastes had become too dark” for her liking, whatever the hell that means. She hopes Axis will show up and rescue her and Faraday. Because of course, being women, they’re completely incapable of rescuing themselves.
The next scene sees us with the eeevil Brother Gilbert (he has pimples, so you know he’s eeeevil). He’s trying to gain entrance to see Borneheld and is having some trouble with a “dullard” guardsman. Because all guards in every crap fantasy novel are automatically stupid, thuggish, and generally slow on the uptake. (Seriously, can you name a single generic fantasy novel in which there was an intelligent, quick-witted guardsman? No, Discworld doesn’t count.).
The tedious “comedic” scene continues, and I’ll do you all a favour and skip over it. Demi Moore shows up, and Gilbert gives the “savage” his letter of introduction and is “comically” surprised to find out the guy knows how to read. Harhar, look at the stupid arrogant racist bad guy being upstaged by the Noble Savage (Axis’ earlier display of blatant racism, on the other hand, is just fine and dandy and doesn’t count). I bet the author thought she was being so very enlightened and progressive in this scene, too. And honestly, that’s pretty depressing.
Demi takes Gilbert to meet Borneheld, and along the way they bump into Faraday and hear Borneheld make a crude comment at her. Gilbert thinks that in the six months since he last saw Faraday, the “vibrant girl” has become“wearied by the sadness of the world”, whatever the hell that means. Just why this stupid self-absorbed jerk is expected to notice that sort of thing is beyond me. But if the author wants me to feel sorry for Faraday, it ain’t gonna happen.
Anyway, so then Gilbert looks at Borneheld and thinks about how noble and impressive he looks (this is to remind you that Gilbert is evil, because no Good Guy would ever admire the eeeevil Borneheld). Gilbert grovels to Borneheld and tells him they’ve heard the news about the clusterfuck at Gherkinfort and how Axis and Margarita are filthy rotten stinking traitors (correct).
He adds that it gets worse – now Priam, King of Afros, is also a fan of the stupid prophecy and is considering an alliance with Axis and the Forbidden (and if that sounds like the name of a swing band to you, too bad). Borneheld freaks and asks who knows about this. The answer is only a handful of people, and Gilbert says the Seneschal controls “the hearts and souls” of the people and are quite happy to use their spiritual power to back Borneheld. They are now advising him to go to the capital as soon as the situation here is in hand, and either get the King back on track, or get rid of him and take the throne.
(I made this meme myself. Feel free to steal and reuse).
In the next scene Borneheld meets up with his remaining senior commanders including Demi Moore. They’ve got their guys digging canals to help them fend off the Skraelings. Borneheld is satisfied that everything is in order, and announces that he’s heading off to Carlon this afternoon on the pretext of getting Faraday some medical attention. The “Good Guys” present, ie. Roland and Demi Moore, who like the Sues and are therefore Good, argue that Borneheld should stay, but he won’t listen. Timozel says he should stay behind to command the troops, but is overruled – he’s coming to Carlon too. He’s not happy about it, but too bad.
The next chapter – oh joy -returns to Axis, who’s chatting with MorningStar. She tells him it’s sad about the divorce but it’s to be expected because for some reason whenever a SunSoar marries out of the family it ends badly.
No, really. They only ever have lasting marriages when they marry their cousins. Somehow this keeps their blood strong. As opposed to, y’know, ultimately destroying their genetic diversity, resulting in just some of the following:
- Reduced fertility and lowered sperm count
- Lower birth rate
- Higher infant mortality and child mortality
- Loss of immune system function
- Albinism
- Dwarfism
- Habsburg Jaw
- Mental retardation
- Misshapen skulls
- Fused limbs
- Hemophilia
- Microcephaly
- Club foot
- Facial deformities
Can’t have any of the Special Shiny Angel people looking like this, after all.
MorningStar adds that RavenCrest’s wife, BrightFeather, isn’t a SunSoar and as a result while they respect each other “they share no passion”. By contrast her and her cousin/husband RushCloud “lived our lives among the stars” whatever the hell that means, and first hooked up at 13, just like FreeFall and EvenSong. Axis is “appalled” by both the incest and the age thing, as you would expect.
And then MorningStar hits on him.
No I’m not kidding. She asks him if he’s decided who he’s going to screw at Beltide and then asks if maybe it’ll be her. Or rather she says “Shall we let our blood sing together that night?”.
MorningStar? Shut the fuck up. Also, 1000 kinds of HELL NO. I mean good fuck.
Axis, of course, backs off in horror, and MorningStar “seductively” says it wouldn’t be the first time grandparent and grandkid got it on and it’s a pity his “Acharite reservation” means he’s not up for sleeping with his grandma.
Yeah.
Then she changes the subject as if nothing happened, saying StarDrifter and Rivkah couldn’t make it work because “StarDrifter’s blood constantly sings, looking for another whose blood sings back to him with the same Song”.
What.
Oh, but it’s okay about the incest because it’s “Unclean” (yes, it’s Capitalised For No Reason because Crap Fantasy) for brother and sister or parent and child to hook up. But “all else is freedom”. Look, author, if you have an incest fetish keep it to yourself. Because I don’t want to hear about it. Ever.
Axis says he’s going to marry Faraday, and MorningStar says well then you’re gonna have an unhappy marriage because Axis is always going to be looking for another SunSoar. She adds that maybe his kids will hook up with EvenSong’s kids.
Axis’ only reaction to this is as follows:
“Angry, Axis turned away”.
Yeah, he doesn’t have any actual thoughts about this horror show. He just gets angry and leaves, end scene.
Might I add, the obsession with incestuous relationships was something the author considered herself quite the daring auteur for putting in her books. This despite the fact that it has zero (realistic) consequences and adds nothing to the story. But she smugly patted herself on the back about it anyway, because of course she did. No really - here's a quote from an interview she gave in 2002:
Q. The relationships portrayed in the series were often controversial to say the least. (the incestuous nature of the Icarii for example). What made you decide to have this as such a prominent feature of their race?
Because it made them interesting, because I was very tired of fantasy that was tentative and non-adult, because I love to challenge people, because it is ‘taboo’ and because I love to walk right on up and slap taboos in the face. Doesn’t everyone have fantasies about going to bed with their grandfather or grandmother? *much laughter*
Q. How did the general public respond to this?
Perhaps surprisingly, I’ve never had much response about it. Most readers seem to have enjoyed it (hmmm, those fantasies must be widespread!), enjoyed the ‘daring’ of it, I guess, and not one of my publishers have ever commented on it (although they cut out scenes where Axis or Faraday head off to relieve themselves behind bushes because that was too ‘yucky’ and readers would never stand for it *what a giggle*). The only time I can remember being challenged about it was at a packed literary festival in Melbourne Australia. Someone stood up and asked me why I was so taken with incest, and had so many characters involved in incestuous relationships. I gave much the same response there as above … and later noticed the people heading off with an interesting alacrity to the bookshop to buy the books.
(She and V.C.Andrews must be having a great time hanging out in the hereafter).
Side note - read the full interview to see her talk briefly about StarDrifter. Apparently author felt he had a lot of "potential". As what, the world's worst sentient being?
Anyway, cut to the next scene. Axis, Rivkah and everyone else is heading down the mountains for Beltide, and Rivkah is in a happy mood now she’s gotten rid of her horrible rapist deadbeat cheating scumbag husband. Blah blah, boring descriptions of the hike, and now we finally see Axis actually use his much vaunted new powers, as he keeps the paths dry, fends off dangerous high winds, keeps everyone warm, conjures “green and red and purple” fires at night, and… uh, conjures magical air mattresses for everyone to sleep on (no, really).
We then get some character and relationship development for Axis and Rivkah.
Oh wait, no we don’t. Instead the author just dictates that they chat about unspecified “likes and dislikes”, and how the evenings together are “wonderful”. I gotta say I’m really not feeling it. Then I start grinding my teeth as Ogden and Veremund provide more unfunny comic relief – every night they open their packs and magically pull out ridiculous stuff like “honeyed hams, crisp-roasted poultry [snip] fresh and dried fruits” and an entire paragraph of other elaborately described food, after which they “comically” accuse each other of being the one who packed it and then wonder where the napkins are. Har har, hardee-har-har. Go die in a fire.
There are few things more aggravating and painful than “comic relief” that isn’t funny, and this is literally all Ogden and Veremund do now they’ve finished serving their boring exposition function. In every scene they “comically” bicker with each other until you want to scream and beat the pair of them to death with a sack of pineapples. (I almost said “a sack of hedgehogs”, but I don’t want to sound like I’m advocating cruelty to animals. Cruelty to Sues, however, is fine by me).
Naturally Axis and co. find all this very amusing and endearing. It’s amazing how the other characters in a book/movie always seem to find the Odious Comic Relief so very charming while everyone with a brain wants them to suffer a horrible gory death.
Anyway, so after dinner Axis sings for everybody and of course he’s like the Best Singer Ever. And OMGs, Azhure has a terrible singing voice! She’s not a Sue after all! Thank goodness; I was starting to find her obnoxiously overpowered, unrealistically good at things and painfully over-praised by the narrator plus every other character and their dog. But now I know she sucks at singing and therefore Has A Flaw, she’s a well-rounded properly developed character at last. Hooray! Maybe next we’ll find out she’s also comically clumsy, just like Bella Swan!
Blah blah, they also tell stories, and Ogden and Veremund are “rascals”, apparently. Again - evidence, please.
Finally the author stops summarising and gives us a conversation between Azhure and Raum. She asks about the Horned Ones (that’s the guys with the stag heads we saw in the last book). She asks if they’re Avar, and Raum says yes – they were once Avar Banes, but only the dudes are allowed to transform into the Stag Heads and guard the Sacred Grove.
So… why can’t any of the women get deer heads as well? There are female Banes, after all, and last time I checked does were a thing.
Axis asks how the change happens, and Raum gives a copout non-answer about how there are some mysteries he won’t share, etc. Azhure asks why no women become Horned Ones, and he says nobody knows why, but they think female Banes do transform but nobody knows what they transform into or where they go. But the Avar prefer not to think too hard about that, apparently because they’re a load of incurious bastards. No wonder they’re still living in the Stone Age.
Then Axis tells everyone about the dream he had in the last book, where he met a Stag Head. And lest we forget, Stag Head was wearing briefs- uh, a “brief loincloth”. He also wangsts about the nightmares he used to have in which Gorgrael pretended to be his father and told him his mother died hating him. Rivkah is all “there there poor baby”, and then Axis – tactless as always – asks Azhure how she got those big scars on her back.
Azhure reacts with a massive freakout in which she starts hysterically yelling stuff like “Stay away!” and “I will not do it again!”, and thrashes around violently. Veremund manages to calm her down and then tells Axis to “withdraw the question” because “the memory is too much for her”.
Oh, YA THINK? What tipped you off, genius? Axis apologises for “causing you pain” and adds “I retrieve my words”, whatever the hell that means. Then he sings some song or other, and Azhure goes back to normal and is confused and doesn’t remember what she said. I think we’re supposed to infer that he used a spell to snap her out of it, but it’s not made very clear.
Veremund thinks that they have to find out about how she got those scars because it will “unlock some of Azhure’s secrets”, but he’s worried that if it’s done without the right precautions it could cost her her life or the life of the person who pushes her too hard.
Or you could just mind your own fucking business – have you thought of that, you arrogant creep? What gives you the right to go poking around other people’s private business, especially when it’s this obviously traumatic? Fuck you, Veremund. Fuck you with a rusty iron cactus.
But never mind about any of that! Our “heroes” arrive at Avarinheim and hear the Earth Tree singing its stupid protective magic song thingy. They stop and eat “roast partridge stuffed with breadcrumbs, cheese, raisins and almonds”, because that’s so very relevant (gods forbid our heroes have to eat travel rations like everyone else). Axis asks Raum how he bonded Faraday to the Mother, adding “There is so little I know about her”.
So… you just admitted to knowing almost nothing about the girl, yet you’re supposedly “In Love” to the point that you promised to marry her. What exactly is your relationship based on, then, Axis?
Oh, that’s right. You just want her because she’s unavailable and conventionally attractive. Not because she has an interesting personality or anything in common with you or anything silly like that. Nope, she’s just pretty and you want to fuck her by way of showing your dominance over Borneheld like the incredibly juvenile testosterone driven piece of shit you are. This guy is the worst charicature of over the top testoterone-driven pseudo-masculinity I've ever seen.
Anyway Raum infodumps for several pages about the lakes and how Faraday was initiated like a Bane, etc. and so forth. Azhure says she’s blessed, and Raum thinks about how wonderful and special Azhure is and how much he respects her. Didn’t we already go over this at least twice?
Finally Axis asks if Faraday has a role in the stupid prophecy other than being the Tree Friend, and that name is still moronic and childish. Veremund says yes but don’t you worry your pretty little head about that, Axis.
Cut back to Azhure’s POV, for more wangst! She thinks about how lucky Faraday is because she’s important and Azhure isn’t, and how she gets to have Axis while Azhure is “only a human woman, scarred in mind and body, doomed to drift without a true home or a lifetime lover”.
Azhure? Get the fuck over yourself. And author? Don’t make me laugh. Azhure has gotten far, far too much attention from the narrative and the other characters for any of this to be remotely believeable. And the scars on Azhure’s back? Yeah, don’t think for one second that we’re dumb enough not to be able to guess what that is.
I mean, for gods’ sakes. In order, Azhure:
- Has mysterious parentage
- Can understand the ancient Icarii language with no training
- Is inordinately attractive to Icarii dudes
- Can somehow use an Icarii bow full of Icarii magic
- Has big scars on her back
And there’s no way she’s ever gonna get with Axis, you say? Hahah, it is to laugh.
Then, right the hell out of nowhere, we’re informed that “the pigs abandoned Sigholt five days before Beltide”.
Um, what? Pigs? Wait, Jackass is here now? Was he with them all along? What the fuck is going on??
What’s happened is we’ve just randomly cut back to Jackass in Sigholt, without so much as a line break or change of scene. Bra-vo, author and editor. *further sarcastic applause*
It now turns out that Jackass’ pigs have been with him for THREE THOUSAND YEARS. Riiight. And he’s always known that one day they’ll leave him in order to “seek the Blood”. Great, so now we’ve got yet another stupid contrived mysterious predestined thingy to annoy us.
We follow the pigs now, of all things, as they head off through HoldHard Pass and then – oh for fuck’s sake.
You’re really not going to believe this, but I swear it’s true. When Beltide arrives, the pigs shapeshift into something else. It’s not outright stated yet, but they turn into big scary hunting dogs, and then “lope” off to find someone or something.
Where did that come from?
Right the fuck out of nowhere, that’s where. Well I did tell you this series got more and more insane as it went along, and I am nothing if not brutally honest. At least now they’re not pigs any more I can stop fantacising about delicious crackly pork roasts.
Brace yourselves for the next installment, guys. It's only going to get even more offensive and stupid from hereon. It's also going to get more rapey. A lot more.