The next chapter is called “Beltide”, and this is where the fun really begins. (I had a feeling Beltide was the name of a real religious festival or some such, and turns out the Gaelic name for May Day is Beltane. Wow, that's so creative).
Anyway, so the chapter opens with Axis and Azhure on the last leg of their walk to the Earth Tree Grove or whatever it’s called, and Axis asks Azhure what she thinks of the Avar. Azhure recaps the thing about how they’re peaceful and reject violence. But now the author seems to have realised that the Avar really aren’t as peaceful and nonviolent as they claim to be, because Azhure adds that they “protest violence, but they exude it”. Put the thesaurus down, Azhure. She warns Axis that they won’t be as prepared to follow Axis as the humans and Icarii were, and I still say they’ll probably be entirely useless allies anyway. Axis mentally kisses Azhure’s ass for her “perceptivity” and thinks about how special and wonderful and amazing she is. He asks her if Hagen, aka the fat evil domestic violence perpetrating evil priest who’s evil, was really her dad. She says “of course”, but it sounds forced.
No duh, says the seasoned crap fantasy reader. Of course the evil fat daughter-beating evil priest who’s evil and fat isn’t her real father, because Azhure is special and amazing and wonderful and therefore has special and amazing and wonderful real parents. You must think I was born yesterday, author.
And by the way, if you had the misfortune of growing up with a biological parent who was abusive, you're officially pathetic and useless and will never be important or accomplish anything meaningful. Because if your parents suck, so do you. It's the rules. Gods I hate this particular fantasy trope. Being awesome should not be fucking genetic!
They finally head down into the grove, which is full of Icarii and Avar hanging out just chilling. StarDrifter is there too and greets Axis and Rivkah, and then gives Azhure “a light and blameless kiss on the cheek”. See? He’s not sexually assaulting her now, so it’s okay!
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StarDrifter tells them that in spite of the disruption of the Make Winter Stop Now! ceremony in the last book, Spring has indeed come and everything’s gonna be okay weather-wise. Thank goodness, the suspense was killing me. Or maybe that was boredom.
Azhure and Rivkah go off to find Fleat and Shra, and their other supposed friends among the Avar, and Raum tells Axis he’s gonna introduce him to the clan chiefs and such.
Axis approaches the Avar council nervously, thinking about how the Avar hate the AW and aren’t going to be easy to win over, so on and so forth.
…Now watch as he uses his Sue powers to easily win them over! Bet you it’ll take one short, unconvincing speech and that’s it. Bet you fifty bucks.
Blah blah, 5,000 word description of the Earth Tree. Axis meets Barsabe and the rest of them. They’re surly and hostile and refer to him as BattleAxe and also violent. Axis, typically polite, spits back that Gorgrael isn’t going to be attacking them with harsh language and would they rather run away and hide like a bunch of wimps. He also insults the Earth Tree for good measure. Like I said before, this guy doesn't know the meaning of diplomacy. Or tact. He's going to make an awesome King, you guys.
Naturally this provokes the hell out of the Avar, but Axis just cuts them off and makes a speech about how he’s gonna take them back to their original homeland and let them plant trees everywhere, etcetera. He thinks about how he finds their “aversion to violence intensely irritating”, and sneerily wonders if they’re expecting to get rid of Gorgrael by throwing flowers.
Asshole, it’s my job to make fun of these idiots, not yours. So shut up and get back to easily winning them over like a good little Sue.
Raum politely says that it’s Faraday’s job to lead them home, not his, and Barsarbe asks if he’s planning to fight against the humans before Gorgrael. Axis replies that he needs to bring the humans around and if it takes warfare, so be it. Which of course it will, because Axis is literally incapable of using diplomacy or compromise. He really reminds me of Eragon in that respect, and anything that reminds one of Eragon is, ipso facto, not a good thing. What, do these authors think being polite and using your head to solve your problems is unmanly or something? (I have a feeling that's a rhetorical question).
Barsarbe says they’re not helping with that, and when Axis points out that Borneheld has Faraday, one of the chiefs yells that he should have brought her with him. Axis says it was too dangerous, etc., but Barsarbe tells him too bad – they’re gonna wait for Faraday and that’s flat. Raum agrees and actually points out that they’d be completely useless as military allies because they have neither an army nor weapons. Just as I already pointed out in the last book, so thanks for coming late to the party, Raum.
For once Axis is actually reasonable and says okay, sorry for being snappish and he accepts their reservations and will leave them be. Whereupon even Barsarbe is all smiles and more or less says great, glad that’s out of the way, now let’s party.
And now the Avar like Axis. See? I told you it’d be easy.
We now cut to a dull infodump about what Beltide Means (basically it’s a fertility rite, which we already knew). Azhure is with her “friends” Fleat and Shra and it’s all very pleasant. She then pretends to feel sad about Pease, aka Mrs Nonentity #465 who snuffed it in the last book, and is told not to worry about it and just have a nice time. Azhure remembers that tonight is a night when everyone forgets the rules and fucks whoever the hell they want (uh… does that include the children? Because there are children present. No seriously – what if someone at this festival thingy is a pedophile? And no, there’s no mention of the kids being sent away for the duration, which leads me to conclude that even if they don’t get molested, they’re still watching the adults go at it).
Azhure is nervous and wonders if StarDrifter is going to sexually assau- uh, “flirt” with her again, and whether she’ll be able to say no this time. I’ve already gone over how this is completely vile rape apologist bullshit, so I won’t repeat myself here.
Azhure rejoins the SunSoars, and we now cut to StarDrifter. Predictably, he’s thinking about how tonight he’s going to “have” Azhure and how he’s obsessed with her to the point that he thinks about her all day every day, and dreams about her every night. This guy is one small step away from becoming John Hinckley Jr. One very, very small step.
We get a very unwelcome description of one of his wet dreams about her, in which she has wings (hint, hint), and then he thinks about how tonight he’s “finally” going to possess her and get her pregnant with a “powerful Enchanter”.
Fuck. THIS. GUY.
Mercifully we cut away from Rapey McStalker to the drinking of some special beverage or other, referred to as “sacred wine”. Axis drinks, and Azhure watches some drops of it in his beard. Or rather his “short golden hairs”. …Are we still talking about his beard, author? (And you’re welcome for the mental image, gentle readers. No need to thank me – your tears are all the thanks I need).
Azhure is told, as last time, that she’s not allowed to have any. But Axis just snatches the bowl and says he’ll just give it to her himself because she’s “needed”… somehow. Naturally this pisses off the Bane who was doling the stuff out, but Axis says the ceremonial words and gives her the wine anyway. (Again, does this guy even know the meaning of the word tact? The answer is no). Azhure drinks it and we get a description of what it tastes like:
“…earth and salt, birth and death… warm, coppery”.
In other words it tastes like blood. And spooge.
The stuff kicks in and everyone goes a little wild. Azhure is “graceful”, again, and there’s music and dancing. More booze is handed out – ordinary wine this time – and Azhure looks at Axis’ beard again. I swear, this is the third time we’ve had a description of the thing. Then Barsarbe shows up completely nude and painted with stag’s blood. Lovely. MorningStar shows up too, also naked except for some body paint, and both of them start dancing.
…Hey, wait a damn minute! Giant tree, magical people gathered together, two naked women dancing ceremonially – this is the Blood Oath Celebration from Eldest! It’s exactly the same! What the fuck? Are all bad books as one bad book? Do hack authors share a hive mind? Or am I just losing my marbles after sporking the entire Dragon Temple Saga and now this as well? Either way I think I need a glass of water and a lie down.
Blah blah, long detailed description of the dance and what it “means”, and in an unintentionally homoerotic moment Azhure admires MorningStar’s naked body. (As you would expect, no same-sex couplings are shown during the ensuing orgy. Wouldn’t want to offend anybody reading this lovely little rapey incest-fest, after all).
Finally everybody else also gets up to dance, and it’s basically a naked blood/booze dance orgy. Azhure walks away through the trees, and the wine “sings” in her blood, and she thinks she can feel “the faint pull of an answering Song”.
(Hint, hint).
Lo and behold, there’s StarDrifter beckoning creepily at her while smiling, and “the Song roared through her blood in response”.
(HINT, HINT).
Just then she hears someone behind her, turns around and sees Axis coming.
StarDrifter sees he’s lost her attention and… well, he says this: “Azhure! To me! Your blood calls to me, for me. Answer it. Now!” Wait, he doesn’t just say it. He angrily yells it.
Rapey overtones? What rapey overtones?
Axis also beckons to her, both of them “demanding”, and Azhure thinks that she “[can’t] walk away”. She has to let one of them fuck her senseless.
I hate this scene. I hate, hate, hate this scene. This scene is disgusting, it’s rapey, it’s… it’s… THERE IS NOTHING RIGHT ABOUT THIS SCENE! She’s literally being controlled by a magic date rape drug! There’s no question of consent! It’s literally just “You have to fuck either this guy or his dad, who already sexually assaulted you before!” What the bleeding FUCK was this author THINKING?
Oh, but it gets better. Azhure turns toward StarDrifter “without conscious thought or decision”, and his eyes “widen in triumph”. But then she says “sorry” (why are you apologising?) and walks off toward Axis.
StarDrifter’s reaction? To SCREAM IN FRUSTRATION. Of course.
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The creepy, rapey overtones just keep on coming as Azhure walks toward Axis “eyes downcast”. Yeah, that definitely sounds like she’s doing it willingly and with pleasure.
Mercifully, the scene instantly (and I do mean instantly) cuts to the afterglow. Azhure has fallen asleep and Axis pats himself on the back for having taken her virginity while trying to make it sound like he’s just amazed by how magical and spiritually fulfilling the sex was. He feels the sleeping Azhure up and wonders when he’ll be ready for another round. Then he checks out the scars on her back and wonders what caused them, because apparently he’s as dumb as the author thinks we are.
Azhure wakes up, and even more rapey overtones follow as at first Axis isn’t sure if she even remembers him screwing her. He then proceeds to – what else? – posture about how amazing and special and wonderful he is, as he – I shit you not – asks her if when she was a child did she ever think “that you would lose your virginity to an Icarii Enchanter”.
Fuck you, Axis. FUCK. YOU. You just cheated on Faraday and that’s your first thought? REALLY?
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Azhure’s reply is just as revolting, as she says “I swore that I would never give myself to anyone less than a hero”.
Because Axis is, like, all heroic and stuff. Or so the author desperately wants you to believe. She adds that she loves him “so deeply” (WHY?).
Now Axis finally remembers Faraday and tells her “do not love me”. He then feels guilty for approximately two seconds before forgetting all about it and screwing Azhure some more.
Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
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We then cut to someone called the Prophet, who can apparently see them bangin’ away in the undergrowth. He laughs and thinks that “Azhure had served the Prophecy well this night”. Because having sex with the (alleged) hero is one of the most important things a lowly woman can do. Naturally.
Well okay, she didn’t just fuck him (largely against her will, but we’re not supposed to think about that). She’s also pregnant now, because of course she is. It’s not real melodramatic Forbidden Sex without a surprise pregnancy. But don’t feel too sorry for the baby, because he’s going to grow up to be a major league asshole just like his daddy.
I hate this book so much. And by the way, while Axis is now a rapist and also a cheating asshole, he hasn't actually quite crossed the Moral Event Horizon yet. No, that happens later on when he does something to Borneheld which I'm not going to mention here so we can all savour the horror when it actually happens.
Be very afraid.
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Anyway, so the chapter opens with Axis and Azhure on the last leg of their walk to the Earth Tree Grove or whatever it’s called, and Axis asks Azhure what she thinks of the Avar. Azhure recaps the thing about how they’re peaceful and reject violence. But now the author seems to have realised that the Avar really aren’t as peaceful and nonviolent as they claim to be, because Azhure adds that they “protest violence, but they exude it”. Put the thesaurus down, Azhure. She warns Axis that they won’t be as prepared to follow Axis as the humans and Icarii were, and I still say they’ll probably be entirely useless allies anyway. Axis mentally kisses Azhure’s ass for her “perceptivity” and thinks about how special and wonderful and amazing she is. He asks her if Hagen, aka the fat evil domestic violence perpetrating evil priest who’s evil, was really her dad. She says “of course”, but it sounds forced.
No duh, says the seasoned crap fantasy reader. Of course the evil fat daughter-beating evil priest who’s evil and fat isn’t her real father, because Azhure is special and amazing and wonderful and therefore has special and amazing and wonderful real parents. You must think I was born yesterday, author.
And by the way, if you had the misfortune of growing up with a biological parent who was abusive, you're officially pathetic and useless and will never be important or accomplish anything meaningful. Because if your parents suck, so do you. It's the rules. Gods I hate this particular fantasy trope. Being awesome should not be fucking genetic!
They finally head down into the grove, which is full of Icarii and Avar hanging out just chilling. StarDrifter is there too and greets Axis and Rivkah, and then gives Azhure “a light and blameless kiss on the cheek”. See? He’s not sexually assaulting her now, so it’s okay!
StarDrifter tells them that in spite of the disruption of the Make Winter Stop Now! ceremony in the last book, Spring has indeed come and everything’s gonna be okay weather-wise. Thank goodness, the suspense was killing me. Or maybe that was boredom.
Azhure and Rivkah go off to find Fleat and Shra, and their other supposed friends among the Avar, and Raum tells Axis he’s gonna introduce him to the clan chiefs and such.
Axis approaches the Avar council nervously, thinking about how the Avar hate the AW and aren’t going to be easy to win over, so on and so forth.
…Now watch as he uses his Sue powers to easily win them over! Bet you it’ll take one short, unconvincing speech and that’s it. Bet you fifty bucks.
Blah blah, 5,000 word description of the Earth Tree. Axis meets Barsabe and the rest of them. They’re surly and hostile and refer to him as BattleAxe and also violent. Axis, typically polite, spits back that Gorgrael isn’t going to be attacking them with harsh language and would they rather run away and hide like a bunch of wimps. He also insults the Earth Tree for good measure. Like I said before, this guy doesn't know the meaning of diplomacy. Or tact. He's going to make an awesome King, you guys.
Naturally this provokes the hell out of the Avar, but Axis just cuts them off and makes a speech about how he’s gonna take them back to their original homeland and let them plant trees everywhere, etcetera. He thinks about how he finds their “aversion to violence intensely irritating”, and sneerily wonders if they’re expecting to get rid of Gorgrael by throwing flowers.
Asshole, it’s my job to make fun of these idiots, not yours. So shut up and get back to easily winning them over like a good little Sue.
Raum politely says that it’s Faraday’s job to lead them home, not his, and Barsarbe asks if he’s planning to fight against the humans before Gorgrael. Axis replies that he needs to bring the humans around and if it takes warfare, so be it. Which of course it will, because Axis is literally incapable of using diplomacy or compromise. He really reminds me of Eragon in that respect, and anything that reminds one of Eragon is, ipso facto, not a good thing. What, do these authors think being polite and using your head to solve your problems is unmanly or something? (I have a feeling that's a rhetorical question).
Barsarbe says they’re not helping with that, and when Axis points out that Borneheld has Faraday, one of the chiefs yells that he should have brought her with him. Axis says it was too dangerous, etc., but Barsarbe tells him too bad – they’re gonna wait for Faraday and that’s flat. Raum agrees and actually points out that they’d be completely useless as military allies because they have neither an army nor weapons. Just as I already pointed out in the last book, so thanks for coming late to the party, Raum.
For once Axis is actually reasonable and says okay, sorry for being snappish and he accepts their reservations and will leave them be. Whereupon even Barsarbe is all smiles and more or less says great, glad that’s out of the way, now let’s party.
And now the Avar like Axis. See? I told you it’d be easy.
We now cut to a dull infodump about what Beltide Means (basically it’s a fertility rite, which we already knew). Azhure is with her “friends” Fleat and Shra and it’s all very pleasant. She then pretends to feel sad about Pease, aka Mrs Nonentity #465 who snuffed it in the last book, and is told not to worry about it and just have a nice time. Azhure remembers that tonight is a night when everyone forgets the rules and fucks whoever the hell they want (uh… does that include the children? Because there are children present. No seriously – what if someone at this festival thingy is a pedophile? And no, there’s no mention of the kids being sent away for the duration, which leads me to conclude that even if they don’t get molested, they’re still watching the adults go at it).
Azhure is nervous and wonders if StarDrifter is going to sexually assau- uh, “flirt” with her again, and whether she’ll be able to say no this time. I’ve already gone over how this is completely vile rape apologist bullshit, so I won’t repeat myself here.
Azhure rejoins the SunSoars, and we now cut to StarDrifter. Predictably, he’s thinking about how tonight he’s going to “have” Azhure and how he’s obsessed with her to the point that he thinks about her all day every day, and dreams about her every night. This guy is one small step away from becoming John Hinckley Jr. One very, very small step.
We get a very unwelcome description of one of his wet dreams about her, in which she has wings (hint, hint), and then he thinks about how tonight he’s “finally” going to possess her and get her pregnant with a “powerful Enchanter”.
Fuck. THIS. GUY.
Mercifully we cut away from Rapey McStalker to the drinking of some special beverage or other, referred to as “sacred wine”. Axis drinks, and Azhure watches some drops of it in his beard. Or rather his “short golden hairs”. …Are we still talking about his beard, author? (And you’re welcome for the mental image, gentle readers. No need to thank me – your tears are all the thanks I need).
Azhure is told, as last time, that she’s not allowed to have any. But Axis just snatches the bowl and says he’ll just give it to her himself because she’s “needed”… somehow. Naturally this pisses off the Bane who was doling the stuff out, but Axis says the ceremonial words and gives her the wine anyway. (Again, does this guy even know the meaning of the word tact? The answer is no). Azhure drinks it and we get a description of what it tastes like:
“…earth and salt, birth and death… warm, coppery”.
In other words it tastes like blood. And spooge.
The stuff kicks in and everyone goes a little wild. Azhure is “graceful”, again, and there’s music and dancing. More booze is handed out – ordinary wine this time – and Azhure looks at Axis’ beard again. I swear, this is the third time we’ve had a description of the thing. Then Barsarbe shows up completely nude and painted with stag’s blood. Lovely. MorningStar shows up too, also naked except for some body paint, and both of them start dancing.
…Hey, wait a damn minute! Giant tree, magical people gathered together, two naked women dancing ceremonially – this is the Blood Oath Celebration from Eldest! It’s exactly the same! What the fuck? Are all bad books as one bad book? Do hack authors share a hive mind? Or am I just losing my marbles after sporking the entire Dragon Temple Saga and now this as well? Either way I think I need a glass of water and a lie down.
Blah blah, long detailed description of the dance and what it “means”, and in an unintentionally homoerotic moment Azhure admires MorningStar’s naked body. (As you would expect, no same-sex couplings are shown during the ensuing orgy. Wouldn’t want to offend anybody reading this lovely little rapey incest-fest, after all).
Finally everybody else also gets up to dance, and it’s basically a naked blood/booze dance orgy. Azhure walks away through the trees, and the wine “sings” in her blood, and she thinks she can feel “the faint pull of an answering Song”.
(Hint, hint).
Lo and behold, there’s StarDrifter beckoning creepily at her while smiling, and “the Song roared through her blood in response”.
(HINT, HINT).
Just then she hears someone behind her, turns around and sees Axis coming.
StarDrifter sees he’s lost her attention and… well, he says this: “Azhure! To me! Your blood calls to me, for me. Answer it. Now!” Wait, he doesn’t just say it. He angrily yells it.
Rapey overtones? What rapey overtones?
Axis also beckons to her, both of them “demanding”, and Azhure thinks that she “[can’t] walk away”. She has to let one of them fuck her senseless.
I hate this scene. I hate, hate, hate this scene. This scene is disgusting, it’s rapey, it’s… it’s… THERE IS NOTHING RIGHT ABOUT THIS SCENE! She’s literally being controlled by a magic date rape drug! There’s no question of consent! It’s literally just “You have to fuck either this guy or his dad, who already sexually assaulted you before!” What the bleeding FUCK was this author THINKING?
Oh, but it gets better. Azhure turns toward StarDrifter “without conscious thought or decision”, and his eyes “widen in triumph”. But then she says “sorry” (why are you apologising?) and walks off toward Axis.
StarDrifter’s reaction? To SCREAM IN FRUSTRATION. Of course.
The creepy, rapey overtones just keep on coming as Azhure walks toward Axis “eyes downcast”. Yeah, that definitely sounds like she’s doing it willingly and with pleasure.
Mercifully, the scene instantly (and I do mean instantly) cuts to the afterglow. Azhure has fallen asleep and Axis pats himself on the back for having taken her virginity while trying to make it sound like he’s just amazed by how magical and spiritually fulfilling the sex was. He feels the sleeping Azhure up and wonders when he’ll be ready for another round. Then he checks out the scars on her back and wonders what caused them, because apparently he’s as dumb as the author thinks we are.
Azhure wakes up, and even more rapey overtones follow as at first Axis isn’t sure if she even remembers him screwing her. He then proceeds to – what else? – posture about how amazing and special and wonderful he is, as he – I shit you not – asks her if when she was a child did she ever think “that you would lose your virginity to an Icarii Enchanter”.
Fuck you, Axis. FUCK. YOU. You just cheated on Faraday and that’s your first thought? REALLY?
Azhure’s reply is just as revolting, as she says “I swore that I would never give myself to anyone less than a hero”.
Because Axis is, like, all heroic and stuff. Or so the author desperately wants you to believe. She adds that she loves him “so deeply” (WHY?).
Now Axis finally remembers Faraday and tells her “do not love me”. He then feels guilty for approximately two seconds before forgetting all about it and screwing Azhure some more.
Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
We then cut to someone called the Prophet, who can apparently see them bangin’ away in the undergrowth. He laughs and thinks that “Azhure had served the Prophecy well this night”. Because having sex with the (alleged) hero is one of the most important things a lowly woman can do. Naturally.
Well okay, she didn’t just fuck him (largely against her will, but we’re not supposed to think about that). She’s also pregnant now, because of course she is. It’s not real melodramatic Forbidden Sex without a surprise pregnancy. But don’t feel too sorry for the baby, because he’s going to grow up to be a major league asshole just like his daddy.
I hate this book so much. And by the way, while Axis is now a rapist and also a cheating asshole, he hasn't actually quite crossed the Moral Event Horizon yet. No, that happens later on when he does something to Borneheld which I'm not going to mention here so we can all savour the horror when it actually happens.
Be very afraid.
