Enchanter Sporking: Part Thirty-Three

I know it's rather soon, but... I really just want to get this over with. It's time for the worst, most vile scene in this entire book, possibly the entire trilogy, and Exhibit Z (we've already covered A through Y) as to why Axis is one of the most evil villains being passed off as a hero in the entire history of fiction. Brace yourselves.

In the next chapter – to the surprise of absolutely no-one – Axis proves what a horrible, horrible person he is. Not only did he instantly believe Azhure was WolfStar, but he’s now got her tied up in a fucking torture chamber and is on the point of killing her.

(Yes, really).

But not before having beaten the shit out of her, as she’s “barely conscious”, bleeding and “heavily bruised”. Belial, once again the only guy with any fucking decency in this entire trilogy, is horrified and intervenes to stop Axis from finishing her off.Oh, you think I'm exaggerating? See for yourselves.



The best part? Not only did Axis just beat Azhure half to death, not only is he prepared to kill her – all with “cold eyes” and snarling… but he hasn’t even proven that she’s WolfStar.


Because as usual, evidence and due process and all that don’t count for shit as far as he’s concerned. Oh, and StarDrifter is present and is also completely fine with this state of affairs, as when Belial demands proof he just says “Best to kill her now”. Belial actually has to threaten to stage a VIOLENT UPRISING against Axis before the bastard concedes and starts messing around with his ring. (No, not that ring. Pervs).

StarDrifter watches and scowls, and Axis uses a song which he says will “unlock the traitor’s mind”. We get a completely unnecessary infodump about how the magic song in question is a combination of “fire and air music” and StarDrifter’s never heard it before.

And then Axis mind rapes Azhure (apparently just raping her body wasn’t enough). I know I keep saying this, but I’m really not kidding. Behold:
Finally Axis shows “satisfaction” as he says he’s found a mental block in her head hiding “the true Azhure”. StarDrifter says again that he should just kill her, but Axis is like “nah, Belial wants proof”, so he grabs her by the hair and rips the mental block out, and it’s all just as unpleasant as it sounds, if not more so.


...I still don't understand how an author could in all seriousness come up with a scene like this and give it to the HERO. Gorgrael is supposed to be the villain, but the guy is a cackling, utterly unthreatening charicature of cliched "evil for the sake of evil". This is true, vindictive, calculated vileness, of the sort a cardboard cutout like Gorgrael couldn't possibly manage, because the author never bothered to give him any motivations or let him do anything that doesn't just serve the plot.

Getting back to this complete nightmare of a scene, to nobody’s surprise Axis sees something horrifying… and then the pair of them disappear.

Axis ends up going on an acid trip through Azhure’s “power”, and then gets to see visions from her past.

Expect melodrama.

We see Azhure aged five, as Hagen, her not-really-her-dad dad, holds her mother’s head over the fireplace and screams at her about how Azhure isn’t his kid (surprise!). Axis, watching, of fucking course takes the opportunity to note how “very beautiful” the woman about to be murdered looks. Stay classy, Axis.

Mummy yells to Azhure that Hagen isn’t her dad, and Hagen yells DUH – he’s known that “ever since I saw those feathers sticking out of the girl’s back this afternoon, the feathers that you have been binding for weeks now, trying to hide them from me”.

And then Mummy is like “dear, why are you telling me a bunch of shit I already know? I was there!”

Well okay, maybe not. But she really should have. This is a textbook example of “As You Know, Bob”ing. Also, that’s not how feathers work.
Anyway, so Hagen shoves her head into the fire, and while bursting into flames she’s somehow able to do an awful lot of talking, yelling at Azhure that she’s “a child of the gods” and should go to some place called “Temple Mount” for answers.
…I have a very definite feeling that’s another lift from the bible, but I’m too lazy to check.

Despite having her entire head engulfed in flames, she keeps on with the melodramatic dialogue, telling Azhure to “live” and so on. Literally the only difference between this and regular dialogue is that there’s the odd token “ah!” and a few ellipses thrown in. I dunno, “ah” sounds a bit too relaxed to me. What about a good old-fashioned “argh”, or maybe an “aiiee!”? Also, shouldn't she be choking on the smoke and such?

Axis and Azhure, now referred to as “the Azhure/Axis mind”, and that’s not clunky at all, watch the poor woman burn to death.

Somehow she manages to become a charred corpse without setting anything else in the room on fire. Or doing any harm to Hagen, who isn’t noted to be wearing any protective gear. I’m pretty sure that’s not particularly, y’know, possible.
Anyway, so then Hagen turns to “the little girl” (just to make us feel extra sorry for Kid Azhure). He rips her dress off (...aarrrgh…) and then performs some home surgery on her back, as he grabs “the slowly developing nubs of wings” and rips them out along with “every remaining vestige of wing and flight muscle and feather”.

Um.

How the fuck can he tell the difference between wing muscles and, y’know, ordinary muscles? Is this guy a fucking surgeon now? Does he have books about Icarii/human anatomy lying around the house?

Oh, and Axis is experiencing all the pain by proxy, but there’s no particular emotional reaction. Because Axis is a fucking evil psychopath.

The torture porn continues as Hagen apparently spends the next six weeks regularly slicing Azhure’s back open and ripping out the “wing nubs” which keep trying to regrow. Oh and also the bandages are “pus-encrusted”, just to hammer it in.

Um.

I’m not buying it.

I can’t.

There is no way in hell a FIVE YEAR OLD KID would survive this. Even in modern day! Are shock and blood loss not a thing in this world? And there’s pus. You know what pus means? INFECTION. IN A WORLD WITH NO FUCKING ANTIBIOTICS.

THIS KID SHOULD BE DEAD.


Another question which occurs is of course… why the hell doesn’t Hagen just, y’know, kill her? If she’s half Forbidden?

Oh well, that gets handwaved because he’s Just That Evil. No really – Kid Azhure asks why he’s letting her live (while regularly inflicting wounds which should have killed her weeks ago) and he says he just likes seeing her suffer.
This has to be some of the laziest characterisation I’ve ever seen. And he's still completely failing to out-evil Axis, which is saying a lot.

Anyway, this leads to Axis “whispering” that he “understand[s]”. Yeah, I’m sure you do. We then get a dictated explanation that Kid Azhure then proceeded to go “mad” and lock away her memories and also her powers, and concentrate on being “normal”.

Isn’t this what happened with Jean Grey? Except really stupid?

After that lovely raping of the laws of basic human biology and psychology, Axis ends up in a “dark, dark place” and doesn’t know how to get out.

It’s the inside of his own ass, where his head is usually very firmly lodged.

Axis crawls around in the dark, asking to be forgiven and getting no response. Finally Azhure whispers back that she needs forgiveness. For… uh, forgetting her mother’s name. As usual Axis makes it all about himself and his needs, as he says he’s “lost” and “frightened” and “lonely without you”. Oh fuck you with a rusty iron cactus.

And then – ARGH – Azhure falls into his manly embrace because she needs “forgiveness and release” and blah blah blah. And I’m sure Axis is the perfect person to provide that, too.

Thank all that’s holy we cut back to Belial and StarDrifter, who have no idea what the hell is going on until Axis and Azhure “snap!” (no really, that’s the word the author uses, exclamation mark and all) back into the real world. Azhure is unconscious and “seem[s] almost lifeless”, as she’s missing half the skin and flesh on her back and is bleeding all over the place.

Somehow it seems to me that all this might have been avoided.


Before we move on to the next part of the, uh, “story”, I’d like to talk a bit more about what just happened.

Believe it or not, the preceding scene is described on TVTropes as a “rash action” on the part of Axis.

I beg to differ.

I could flip over into Frothing Rage Mode, but you know what? I’m just plain tired now, and anyway I think the rage is probably getting a bit tedious to the rest of you since it’s been nothing but for a while now.

Instead I’m just going to point out that Axis is now not only a guy who has absolutely no regard for law or justice and thinks murder is a suitable option for dealing with people he personally dislikes, but he’s also completely prepared to beat and torture his pregnant girlfriend.

Will this end the relationship?

Nope.

Will he lose any friends?

Nope.

Will he stop being portrayed as a hero by the author?

Nope nope and nope.

Because you see, Axis totally FEELS BAD about it, so therefore he’s automatically excused. And never mind about, y’know, Azhure. Or the fact that he almost BEAT A PREGNANT WOMAN TO DEATH, then subjected her to mental torture the likes of which no amount of "trigger warnings" could possibly defend. Nope, that doesn’t count any more. Move along, let it go, no big deal. In fact if I’m not mistaken, after this it’ll barely even be mentioned again.

This leads me to conclude that in the author’s mind, beating up your girlfriend isn’t really that big of a deal, and nor is assaulting pregnant women. As long as you apologise afterwards, it’s totally okay! And there’s no way she’ll, y’know, leave you or anything silly like that. (Or heaven forfend, inconvenience you by calling the police).


Something else I’d like to note here is that during the battle against Borneheld’s army, it was repeatedly noted that if Azhure had had to keep fighting any longer she might have had a miscarriage, and it was a close thing.

…but getting beaten unconscious, mind-raped and then losing half the flesh off her back and bleeding like a stuck pig doesn’t cause a miscarriage, or indeed any complications whatsoever. Nope, the twins are going to be just fine.

Yeeeaaah, I’m really not buying it. You fail biology forever, Douglass. You know, again.


Anyway, so the next chapter, imaginatively called “Azhure (2)” as a follow on from the last one which was “Azhure (1)”, opens with the only character left I don’t hate.

Namely, Faraday. She’s heard rumours that Axis has gone and done something awful (you know, again). She eventually finds a bunch of his friends, dramatically standing around outside the room where Azhure is being dramatic with Axis. Griff is there, and he’s pissed. So is Demi Moore, and he’s also pissed. And your sporker is here, and she’s massively pissed.

Naturally everyone demands an explanation, and Griff says he hopes StarDrifter and Axis suffer a horrible death for what they’ve done. Okay, so it’s not just Faraday who’s likeable in this book. Griff is still cool. StarDrifter tries to explain the whole thing away in the most self-serving manner possible, but no-one’s really buying it. And thank goodness for that.

Faraday, being one of the only genuinely proactive characters in this thing, goes into the room where Azhure and Axis are, and we’re informed that the last person who tried that was violently kicked out by our loveable hero.


However Faraday gets in just fine, because Faraday is awesome. She finds Azhure basically catatonic and Axis being a whiny prick. Faraday, rather than sit around beating her breast and wailing, sends Axis away with Caelum and tells him to tell the kid the truth… or else.

Then she turns her attention to Azhure and treats her with geniune sympathy, asking her what happened without passing judgement. See, this is how Azhure should behave if we’re supposed to buy it that she’s full of “compassion and love”, and "compassionate" Axis likewise. But nope. This is literally the first time we’ve seen genuine compassion and kindness, and it’s coming from Faraday, not Azhure. Toward the woman who stole her man, no less. There is no way in hell Azhure would ever behave like this. Because Azhure is a selfish bitch.

Anyway, Faraday plays the therapist and does it very well, and sympathetically draws Azhure’s story out of her. Azhure recaps the thing with Hagen, which is completely unnecessary since we just fucking saw it two pages ago.


Naturally, Azhure being Azhure, she tells it with as much self-pity as is humanly possible and Faraday gets angry and wonders how Azhure survived all that without losing her marbles. Probably because she’s a Sue, but let it pass.

Anyway, we also learn that Hagen used to beat the snot out of Azhure any time she used her magical powers which we all knew she had from the word go. Faraday tells her she should go to this Temple Mount thingy to find out who she really is. In other words the same heroic quest we’ve seen in basically every fantasy novel ever written. No need, Azhure, I already know who you are. It begins with "Mary" and ends with "Sue".

Then she tells Azhure about the Mother, just to keep her calm – which works – and while she does this she starts working on Azhure’s injuries. The wounds heal up, but Faraday says she can’t bring the wings back. Not that Azhure cares, as you would expect.

Then Faraday keeps stroking Azhure “from shoulders to buttocks”, and now I really wish these two would get together and dump Axis’ abusive ass for good. Faraday has shown more kindness and understanding toward Azhure in this one scene than Axis has in the entire book. Not to mention that their interaction here is way more erotic. As in it has some eroticism, period. Albeit eroticism that was almost entirely unintentional.

Oh, and Faraday removes the scars as well, because why not. Can’t let Queen Sue have a physical flaw, after all.

(Personally, if anyone removed my scars, of which I have a few, I’d be pissed).

Faraday then lets Azhure off the hook for being Axis’ girlfriend, which is fair enough. I actually kind of like this scene, honestly. After that Faraday unfortunately lets Axis off the hook as well, saying he’s “quick to action” which is great except it’s combined with a “temper” and a “streak of cruelty he sometimes displays.”

Sometimes?

Also, I absolutely must point out that the entire focus of this scene is on how Azhure is a Sad Panda. Not on the vile thing Axis just did, which is barely brought up. Which once again very heavily implies that it’s no big deal.


The two of them then declare that they’re friends now, and Faraday continues to be a total sweetheart, albeit way too forgiving to Axis, as she says it’s just too bad they both “love” him and he “cannot choose between us”. How about the pair of you get the fuck out of there rather than allowing him to screw around with either of you any more than he already has?

Either way Faraday is leaving because she has things to do which aren’t connected to being Axis’ fucktoy. And now I’m full-on cheering for the woman.

She then quite calmly tells Azhure she’s an Enchanter (no fucking shit), and when Azhure has a classic Sue “wah wah I don’t wanna be awesome” reaction Faraday points out that – again, no fucking shit – Azhure won’t up and die on Axis because she gets the super extended lifespan (how does she know that?). This immediately cheers Azhure right up, and Faraday asks her to “love Axis for me” and “raise his children for me”, adding “all of them” in an odd voice. Because no duh, Faraday is pregnant and wants Azhure to raise the kid.

(Spoilers: She won’t. Azhure and Axis the perfect Sue couple basically ignore their kids from this point onward).

After some more talk about how the two of them Are Friends Now, Faraday leaves Azhure to sleep and turns her attention to Axis. She continues to be a sweetheart, and also acts with considerable maturity as she tells Axis it’s too late to fix their relationship, and she’s leaving so as not to complicate things. She then retracts her vow to marry him, saying he has to marry Azhure for her sake because Azhure is “a jewel you can ill-afford to lose”.

Because I’m sure Azhure will be more than happy to marry the guy who beat and tortured her. I’m on your side, Faraday, but you’re being awfully dismissive about the shit Axis just pulled.

See? I told you everyone would just shrug the whole thing off as just a silly misunderstanding.

Then Faraday leaves. In the next room she finds everyone waiting, including Rivkah, who she asks to speak to alone. Now Faraday finally shows some vulnerability – being the only mature adult in this damn book other than Belial, she’s been holding herself back for the sake of others. Because she actually has some goddamn self control and social grace.

My gods, this book actually has some real characterisation in it. Did a more talented author take over the writing duties for a while?

Rivkah comforts Faraday, who says she’s going to go and talk with the Sentinels, and then leave.

Then the most awesome part of the book happens (other than MorningStar getting her head crushed like a grapefruit, which is still pretty fucking sweet).

Faraday notes that she saw Rivkah and Margarita holding hands and asks if they’re an item. Rivkah says yes, so Faraday kisses her on the mouth… in order to pass on some of her magic. This makes Rivkah feel strong and vigorous again, and Faraday says this is a gift from the Mother and she must “use it well”.

Then Faraday leaves, and the narrator notes that she leaves behind “a farewell gift” which will cause Axis a lot of pain and suffering in the future, and it’s her little revenge on the man who betrayed her.

What gift is that, you might be wondering?

Oh, nothing much. She just gave Rivkah her fertility back is all. Is that Borneheld 2.0 in the making I spy?

…mwahahahahah….

I love you so much, Faraday.